Parents find ways to talk about death
John Petersen, the co-owner and a licensed psychologist at Family Psychology of South Bend, said that it’s not helpful for parents to show their kids the news; however, if a child brings up the topic, it’s important to be open to the conversation.
SOUTH BEND — Following the deaths of two Madison STEAM Elementary students due to a tragic residential fire Sunday, Jan. 21, at 222 N. LaPorte Ave., parents discussed talking with their own children about loss and how they navigated that conversation.
Mother Airen Haynes said her son Bry’lin was in class with one victim, 9year-old Davida Smith, who died the night of the fire with four of her siblings: 10-year-old Demetis, 5-year-old Deontay, 4-year-old D’Angelo and 17month-old Faith. A sixth child, 11-yearold Angel, died Friday at Riley Children’s Health in Indianapolis.
She explained to him, using pictures from the class’ Class Dojo account, “You won’t be seeing her anymore in class because of the incident, and it’ll be okay.”
Haynes said her son was sad. He didn’t know why, she said.
“They’re in a better place,” she comforted her son. “What happened to them wasn’t their fault.”
Haynes spared her son the details, not explaining to her son how they died or saying ‘they died,’ just that his classmate wouldn’t be in school with him anymore.
John Petersen, the co-owner and a licensed psychologist at Family Psychology of South Bend, said that it’s not helpful for parents to show their kids the news; however, if a child brings up the topic, it’s important to be open to the conversation.
“Listen to the child’s thoughts or feelings,” he said “They might have a concrete question, such as, ‘Could that
happen to me?’”
But even some ages are too young to have that conversation, Petersen said.
Preschool-age children, he said, don’t have a notion of death being a permanent situation.
Parent Sadie Strasser said it’s important to teach kids to cope with death and loss at an early age and thinks 7 years old is a good age to start.
“Sometimes the younger kids don’t really understand,” Strasser said. “They understand stuff happens, but they don’t really grasp it. They just see someone stop showing up.”
For parent Tedeisha Walker, death is not a new concept for her family. She had a family member die in a fire.
Her 8-year-old nephew, DeShan Fultz, who attends Madison STEAM Elementary, was really upset when he heard the news, she said, but death is not something they really talk about in her family, even with her own three kids.
A lot of children have experienced death in one form or another, Petersen said, such as a pet dying, in movies or other narratives they’ve seen.
“Treat it like a shared event,” he suggests. “Say, ‘It’s like when grandma died.’ Tell the family’s story in a way the child can place it.”
Most importantly, Petersen said, is to not introduce details.
“Honor the experience of the child,” he said.