‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t always mean ‘it’s my fault’

Dear Miss Manners: Could you suggest alternative replies to “I’m sorry” when one hears bad or unsettling news from family or friends?

When one hears “I lost my job,” “My husband has cancer” or other bad news, a common response is “I’m sorry” to show our empathy. Yet, “I’m sorry” is a sort of apology, accepting one’s responsibility for an undesirable outcome. And the bearer of bad news often replies, “You’ve nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t cause this.”

An alternative might be a simple “I understand,” “That’s rough” or “Oh my. Tell me about it,” depending on the exact situation.

What do you advise in today’s hypersensitive environment?

Gentle Reader: Not being so insensitive as to rebuff clear expressions of empathy.

People do sometimes say hurtful things in response to suffering – usually some form of telling the sufferer to get over it – but “I’m sorry” is not one of them.

Obviously what it means, in that context, is that one is sorry that such a bad thing happened. One can feel sorry about many things without being the agent who caused them.

But if we are going to be persnickety about kind remarks, Miss Manners can think of objections to your suggestions:

“I understand” – no, you do not, because you are not going through the same thing.

“That’s rough” – sounds flippant when applied to a tragedy.

“Tell me about it” – confidences on sensitive matters should be voluntary, not solicited out of curiosity.

Dear Miss Manners: When I am at home by myself, I like to scrape shavings off the top of a stick of butter, making the butter easier to spread. But I wonder if

that is impolite. Should I, especially with company, cut off a small slab from the end?

Gentle Reader: What you need is a butter curler – not easy to find, but the proper instrument for scraping a long, thin curl of butter.

When you are alone, you may attack your butter however you choose. Miss Manners is not peeking in your window.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.