Boyfriend plans, times breakup

Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I are both in our early-20s. We are pursuing our educations. She is a great person. We’ve dated for over two years now.

I was recently offered a job halfway across the country in one of my dream cities.

The company is holding this offer for me until I graduate in two years.

My girlfriend has flipped-flopped between wanting to move there with me, and not. I do not want her to come with me if she truly does not want to, because she will resent me, and that is not fair to either of us.

Should I break this off now (before I leave) to ease the pain and explore my options, or should I prolong breaking up until I leave? Am I chasing a love that isn’t really love? — Confused College Kid

Dear Confused: You seem to be asking about the proper timing for you to break up with your girlfriend. If you don’t want to be with her, then break up with her. There is no “good” time to do that, although sooner is better than later.

Otherwise, I suggest you leave the timing up to her.

The college years represent periods of massive transition — away from home, into serious relationships, into a first job and out into the world. It is tempting to try to either delay all of these big transitions (by moving into your childhood bedroom and hiding beneath the covers), or to accelerate these transitions by mapping out these massive life choices and trying to make all of your decisions at once. You have two years to figure this out. Take it.

The most challenging thing to do is to lean into the uncertainty. Do not pre-emptively make your girlfriend’s choices by deciding to break up with her. Many people relocate to be near a partner, and there are worse reasons to choose a post-college landing place. The choice should be hers alone.

What she shouldn’t do is try to emotionally manipulate you into reversing your own plans. If she chooses to move, it will be of her own volition, and she will be responsible for her happiness. If she blames or resents you for a choice she is making, then she is not quite ready for adulthood.