Decline an invitation if you don’t want to purchase gift

Dear Miss Manners:

My lovely wife and I have celebrated 48 years of marriage. We had a fairly small wedding, though we invited about 200 guests. Half of them were to come from my fiancee’s hometown, with the other half mostly couples my parents knew. Only about eight guests were friends of mine.

Neither my wife nor I were, or are now, in the same social circle as most of these people. Only about 22 people from my parents’ list showed up. From the others: no show, no gifts, no regrets and no RSVPs.

Over the years, we have received invitations to children’s and grandchildren’s baptisms, bar mitzvahs, confirmations and weddings, although we are still not in the same social circles as these people. Many years ago, I started giving inexpensive “invitation trays” as gifts for these events. My wife thinks I should get a more expensive gift from their registries.

My argument is: Why, exactly, should I purchase an expensive gift for people I don’t know, when no one in their family acknowledged my existence when I was married? The only time I ever hear from them is when they want a gift.

Gentle reader: Contrary to popular belief, cost and graciousness are not, to borrow your phrase, in the same social circle. So if you are going to contextualize the question as you did, Miss Manners instead asks, “Why should you purchase a gift at all, expensive or otherwise?”

You need only decline these invitations.

Whether their current behavior is as gift-grubbing as you believe, or a genuine attempt to reconnect a tenuous relationship, will be hard to assess if you never attend.

Dear Miss Manners: I find myself occasionally asked about what church I attend or invited to attend someone’s church that I have no interest in. I consider my beliefs to be private, and I definitely don’t want to get into a religious discussion about my beliefs or listen to an explanation of someone else’s religion. How do I politely get out of the conversation?

Gentle reader: “Thank you, your church sounds lovely. I am happy with my current one, and if you don’t mind, consider religion a private matter. But tell me, how is your career in politics going?”

Dear Miss Manners:

When a woman asks a man over to dinner, is it good manners for the man to say, “I am too busy to come eat, but I will take your leftovers”? I think it is really poor manners, but another lady I know says it depends on how good of friends you are. I say it is just wrong.

Gentle reader: Unless this woman works at a drive-thru or a charity, this counter-suggestion is insulting and unacceptable, no matter how good the friend.

Miss Manners suggests that the hostess answer, “I was asking in order to enjoy your company, not for the chance to cook, but thank you. Perhaps we can reschedule when you have more time.” The second sentence is optional.

Dear Miss Manners:

Whether it’s work or personal email, often the person I’ve messaged has answered a question I didn’t ask, or only answered one in a list of many (separated for clarification). How can I politely say, “Go back and actually read the email I just sent you”?

I am having to interact multiple times simply because they have not read the content carefully. I don’t appreciate wasting my time or having to repeat myself, and it is negatively affecting the way I view these people.

Gentle reader: The frustration of talking to someone who is not listening predates email, as does the solution: repeating yourself until you get a response — with as much patience as you can muster. Miss Manners realizes this is an imperfect answer, so she appends her own sympathy, and offers a shortcut: copy and paste.

Dear Miss Manners:

Is it polite to correct people who say “real-ator” instead of “Realtor,” or “nu-cu-lar” instead of “nuclear”? Or is it totally inappropriate? I am not perfect, but these bother me.

Gentle reader: Are any of these people in charge of nuclear codes?

Pronouncing the words accurately oneself is the only polite way Miss Manners recommends to correct someone who is not your child, student or direct report, or who is not about to look like a fool in public.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to miss manners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.