How to correct someone who keeps getting your name wrong

Dear Miss Manners: I have a name that is very similar to other names. Having spent my entire life being called by the wrong name, I do not take offense. I simply tell people my name. Sometimes in writing.

And yet it persists. I typically try to reintroduce myself, maybe more than once, but ... it feels super awkward to shout out, “That’s not my bloody name, already!!!”

I am in a volunteer position in my community, and my program contact still calls me by the wrong name — after multiple introductions, despite my subsequent efforts to try to discreetly inform them (e.g., in every signature of every email).

Suggestions on how to politely fix this, both specifically and in general? It is just disappointing to resign myself to telling people, for a lifetime, “My name is Saucer, not Soccer.”

Gentle reader: There is, unfortunately, no wholesale solution, as the next person who mistakes your name has no way of knowing about the 4,628 who offended before.

You will therefore have to resign yourself to correcting that person with one of the self-effacing approaches with which you are so familiar.

A person who makes the same mistake after multiple corrections can be handled more sternly. Miss Manners sees nothing improper in saying, “I volunteer here because everyone is so considerate. But please, if you could let everyone know that my name is ...”

Dear Miss Manners: If we are hosting a birthday party at our home for a niece or nephew, is there a polite way to suggest to the parent not to bring the biggest cake they can find?

Often times, we are left with a huge cake to fit into our fridge, which we actually don’t want once the party is over. I feel guilty for throwing it out. Can I ask them to downsize the cake so more of it gets eaten by the guests? Or, if they must get a big one, to take the leftovers home with them?

Gentle reader: You may not, but you may rebox what’s left at the end of the party and hand it to your brother or sister on their way out the door.

Protests that they have no place to put it should be met with a knowing, “I completely understand. It’s just that if it stays here, it’s going to get thrown out, and perhaps Liam will want another piece.”

Dear Miss Manners:

Several years back, a co-worker known for her sharp tongue commented that I needed to give her the “short version” of whatever she’d asked me. This hurt my feelings, but also got me wondering if I was talking too much.

Since then, I’ve tried to be as concise as possible. Now I get criticized for not talking. Is there such a thing as a happy medium? If so, how do I reach it?

Gentle reader: It is very sporting of you to try to accommodate a demand delivered in such a peremptory way, but Miss Manners does not see it ever having the intended effect.

Everyone you meet will have a different opinion about how much time they have to listen. Better to say what you intend, in the number of words you think it merits, and trust that well-meaning listeners will appreciate it when you allow them to do the same.

Dear Miss Manners: I know that dinner rolls and butter are not traditionally part of a formal dinner service, but if I do want to serve butter at the dinner table, how should I do so?

I have a collection of antique butter pats in various patterns that I would love to use, but I am wondering exactly how these were traditionally used. When I have tried to search online for “how to use butter pats,” most of the results refer either to slices of butter from a stick, or to implements for making and shaping butter — not how to use these tiny plates.

Gentle reader: Did you bookmark the link about shaping butter? Not if it’s about sculpting a chicken out of butter as a centerpiece, that is. But it may be useful if it has to do with making tiny shapes — roses or pleated balls, for instance — to put on those little plates, confusingly themselves called butter pats, which are for serving individual portions of butter.

You can just whack squares from a butter stick, of course. But such plates were generally forgotten, or pressed into humiliating service as inadequate ashtrays, and Miss Manners presumes you would like to make them proud again.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Miss Manners Judith Martin