Should former boss be told that his gift wasn’t received?

My boss (owner of the business) is extremely generous and thoughtful. He really enjoys remembering staff birthdays, hiring anniversaries and holidays with generous gifts and bonuses. Usually, these come as emailed gift cards or something delivered to my home. He enjoys doing this personally; it’s not delegated to an assistant.

Last summer, after several years with the business, I resigned from my position to care full time for my ailing parents. The timing was difficult, as our business was heavily impacted by the coronavirus and related staffing issues. I agreed to stay on part time until my replacement started.

My hiring anniversary and my resignation date coincided. In our farewell, my boss said he was sending a gift to me to recognize both.

It has been a few months. Nothing ever arrived.

I realize in the chaos and stress at work, he may have just forgotten, although that’s uncharacteristic for him.

I am worried that he thinks I received something and did not acknowledge it. I am also concerned that he may have spent a significant amount of money on something that was never delivered.

I feel rude asking about it, but also want him to know if something he paid for never arrived. Common sense tells me to let it go, but it occasionally nags at me. Do I have a responsibility to notify him of the unreceived gift?

Your common sense has led you astray.

The concern — and it is a serious one — is not whether your former boss got value for his money, or the reputation of the postal service.

The issue is your own reputation: You do not want him to think that you are rude or that when you left the job, you severed all future relations.

Miss Manners’ fondness for handwritten letters is not merely due to her liking the smell of paper and ink. Gracious correspondence can soothe many a feeling and solve many a problem.

You cannot ask what happened to your gift, but nothing stops you from penning a chatty letter updating him on your life and thanking him for his many kindnesses while in his employ.

If he did send a present, then the absence of any mention in such a long letter will make him wonder if it arrived. If he did not send one, it may perhaps inspire him to do so now.

I am dating a very nice man I have known since high school. We have been officially dating for two years and the relationship is going very well.

As we are both over a certain age, many of our close friends ask why we don’t live together. I don’t think they are being nosy, it just seems to be “the thing to do,” and they are wondering why we haven’t followed suit like other couples.

We are perfectly happy living separately; I have expressed this, along with the fact that I don’t believe in it. I have teens, and although I am divorced, I don’t believe in living together without a marital commitment. This is just my way.

I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, but after two years of explaining this to people, I’m tired of repeating myself. Is there any way to just politely end this line of questioning?

Do you really not consider this a nosy question? People often wonder about other people’s private lives, but Miss Manners does not consider this an excuse for prying.

You are not required to satisfy this curiosity. The response to why you do not live together is because you live in separate homes. Repeat as often as necessary.

I have an involuntary wink and facial palsy due to surgical damage — but I’m lucky to be alive! I often realize, after the fact, that I’ve unintentionally inflicted discomfort on strangers (such as store clerks) to whom I speak and wink.

What can I say to explain and beg forbearance without seeking sympathy?

“Please forgive me; that was involuntary. My eyes tend to sneeze without me.”

How can I let people know I don’t like being addressed by my first name?

Tell them.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.