Nephew shuns mixed-faith wedding

Dear Amy: My son is getting married in a few weeks. We are Jewish (although not religious), and my son is marrying a lovely Christian girl (also not that religious).

They are having a Jewish ceremony with a reformed rabbi as their clergy.

We parents are very happy and proud.

My nephew on my husband’s side (his brother oldest son), RSVP’d to the wedding that he was not coming “with regrets.”

My brother-in-law told my husband that his son wasn’t coming to the wedding because the son is an Orthodox rabbi (although currently not a practicing rabbi) and he couldn’t possibly go to a wedding of mixed faith.

He sent no card, no well wishes, nothing. And the RSVP card came a week late. So basically, he chooses his religious beliefs over family, and is snubbing us. How would you handle this? Should we never speak to our nephew?

Should we refuse to attend any future event that he might invite us to? We would like your opinion. — Excluded

Dear Excluded: There are ample examples of people of all faiths refusing to attend weddings or other religious ceremonies, for a variety of reasons. The list justifying this exclusion for Catholics is several items long. And even if there are actual religious reasons or justifications for refusing to witness this marriage, declaring this seems less about living out one’s values, and more about shunning people.

This behavior is always about the person doing the excluding, and not about the people being excluded.

It would have been very easy for your husband’s nephew to simply send his regrets regarding this wedding ceremony. Instead, he put the word out that he is actually rejecting their marriage.

There are natural consequences to excluding family members. One consequence is for family members to want to retaliate, or behave as he has. But should you? No.

You should be honest: “We heard from your father why you refused to attend your cousin’s wedding, and we want you to know that we are upset.” That’s it. There is some likelihood that he won’t care in the slightest how you feel.