Depressed couple is at an impasse

Dear Amy: A month ago, my wife of five years told me she was going through a depression and was questioning our relationship. To be fair, I was as well.

We haven’t made love in six months. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is. I try to initiate sex, and I get nothing. She finds ways to make me feel bad when I fall asleep early on the weekend and accuses me of drinking too much beer.

I offered to make changes (which I did), but things were maybe worse than before.

We decided that separation was best to figure things out. She again said that we needed to get our spark back.

I confided in an old female acquaintance, and she and I ended up having sex. I’m overcome with guilt. If I tell her about my sexual encounter, our relationship will end.

I want my family and would give up sex altogether to have her back. I was emotionally fragile and lonely when it happened. It was awful. I’m dying to get advice. We are still separated and I’m desperate for advice. — Guilty Husband

Dear Guilty: You and your wife both claim to be depressed. You are also dissociated and spinning out in your separate orbits. Your wife does not want to be intimate with you, and although you claim to have made major efforts to please her, it hasn’t worked. The root for both of you seems to be in the way you connect or communicate. Mainly, you don’t. You each need counseling, and you also need couples counseling.

You, for instance, don’t seem to have been able to handle having an intimate conversation with an acquaintance without acting out sexually. You should see this sexual encounter as a wake-up call to seek out the help of a professional. I agree that you should not tell your wife about this until you have a better handle on who you are, what you want and where you fit into your family system. A good counselor will provide you with tools and coaching.