Parents puzzled by new daughter-in-law

Dear Amy: My wife and I are struggling on how to handle our relationship with our new daughter-in-law.

She is moody and often cold and indifferent. She and my son live a couple of hours away in a major city, and both of them have big jobs that keep them busy.

We are forced to compete for their time with her parents, who live much closer to them. This really hurts us because we now have a 1-year-old grandchild.

Even though we have sought to alternate holidays, she and her mother always have some excuse as to why they can’t come to our home. We have to wait until the day after. We are not asked to offer childcare advice.

We are constantly angry and hurt over her passive aggression. We have a very close relationship with our only son, who tries to make everyone happy. We worry about confronting this, adding to his stress, and possibly losing them both. — Desperate in the Burbs

Dear Desperate: I’m going to offer you a different perspective.

Your daughter-in-law is relatively new to your life. She has a new baby, a demanding job, a husband with a demanding job and parents nearby. She is dealing with a lot.

And she has in-laws who are “constantly hurt and angry.”

You are casting yourselves as demanding and disappointed. She may sense your anger and reflexively turn away because she doesn’t know how to please you.

Try being the easy, kindly and cooperative in-laws and grandparents. Rather than insist that they visit you, maybe you could travel to their home once or twice a month for the day. Offer five or six hours of free time on a weekend for the parents to do errands or go out together. Or you could hang with the family for an afternoon and simply get to know all of them.

Think of this as a process which will happen in stages. And try to relax while it does.