Housemates worry about friend’s partner

Dear Amy: I am part of a group of friends who all share a house together. We’ve all been close friends for five years now.

One of our friends started a new relationship about five weeks ago. Since then, they have not spent a single day or night apart from each other.

Sometimes they’re at our house; sometimes they’re at his partner’s house. Our friend never does anything without him anymore, including spending time with us.

How do we tell our friend we want to spend more time with just him? Is it our place to tell him that we think he might be moving too fast? — Concerned Friends

Dear Concerned: I think it’s natural for two people who perhaps romantically/sexually collide to then stick together — certainly at the beginning of an intimate relationship. This is not the most prudent way to behave, but prudence sometimes goes out the window when the flame burns hot.

You don’t say that your friend is unhappy; you don’t note any real red flags about this new relationship and you don’t mention that you have a negative reaction to your friend’s new guy.

Friends trust that the friendship will survive through some tough truths. Adults can also express sincere concern, without seeking to control the object of their concern.

But first, accept that this relationship is real. Get to know his partner, and adopt a positive attitude. Express: “Hey, we really miss solo-you! Any chance we can see you without your guy any time soon?”

Otherwise, unless you see specific issues — such as signs of abuse and control, or if your friend has a tough romantic/sexual history that makes you worry — then he has the right to proceed with abandon. You can certainly make an observation: (“You two are moving really quickly”) and follow it with a question: “How are you feeling about everything?”

But you have to listen to his answer, and if he says he’s happy, then you should be happy for him.