Handling preemptive apologies

Dear Miss Manners: I attend a very liberal college, and many of my classmates are passionate about decreasing the taboo surrounding mental illness. While I support this cause in spirit, I’m bothered by some of its symptoms.

Specifically, many of my peers apologize preemptively for future slights.

I recognize that nobody is perfect, and would certainly forgive someone who apologized after being gruff. But a preemptive apology often leaves me uncertain that my peer is even planning to try to regulate his or her behavior. I also feel that any regret is insincere.

Am I right to be put off, or should I catch up to the times?

Gentle Reader: “I am so sorry. How lucky, at least, that you know in advance when you’re going to offend. I’m not sure that I am able to do that, so please forgive me if I take offense.”

Dear Miss Manners: I have dedicated myself to getting back into the habit of sending regular birthday cards.

In my planning, I’m making a list, by month, of all birthdays to include. This list has the obvious mothers, fathers and all siblings. Who else is it appropriate to include beyond immediate family?

I truly want to get back into the habit of sending birthday wishes on a regular basis, but the last thing I want to do is offend family members by leaving someone out.

Gentle Reader: Host a family reunion. It seems the most efficient means of getting to know one’s family members — so that a card has some actual significance when it is sent.

If that is not practical, Miss Manners suggests that you create a letter or email chain where everyone can send their own and extended family’s birth dates. If you are truly dedicated to the project, the number of cards may be extensive. But it may soon drop off as interest and reciprocation begin to wane.