Friends who avoid pal feel rejected

Dear Amy: A few years ago, my partner and I, both artists, moved from Europe to the USA’s West Coast.

We already had close connections and friends in the States. Other friends moved here, and we quickly helped bring all the circles together.

A big falling-out happened with one of our closest longtime friends. This falling-out involved drugs, weapons and violence. We decided to sever ties and changed the locks of our doors and phone numbers. We felt unsafe and threatened, and we couldn’t afford to be brought into anything illegal, which would jeopardize our status.

Our other friends are aware of the situation. His issues are well known and hard to miss, so our friends do talk about it.

Our friends keep inviting him and us to the same gatherings. We have been opting to NOT attend gatherings in order to avoid conflict, but we now feel alienated from our friends.

We have not been vocal about the reasons of our absence, because we do not want to gossip, nor ask to ban anyone from attending. However, we do NOT want our lives or legal status endangered.

Amy, how should we address this situation? We miss our friends. — Left Aside

Dear Left Aside: One obvious thing you should do is to host events, inviting these overlapping circles of people who seem to mean so much to you, excluding the person you need to avoid.

You don’t seem to have disclosed the reason you can’t attend events where this other person is also invited — nor does anyone seem to have asked you. If you are asked, you should tell the truth, without fear of being a gossip. You say that others are aware of this man’s issues, but don’t seem proportionally concerned about violence, drugs and illegal activity.

Expanding your circle and inviting new and old friends and fellow artists might help all of you to make a social transition.