Hostess wants guests to pitch in

Dear Amy: In my family, when a gathering involves food, everyone brings something.

Even when I travel to go to family gatherings, I always bring something, whether it is something store bought, or a homemade goodie. I would be embarrassed to walk in empty-handed!

I host many family gatherings. My sister-inlaw (my brother’s wife) and her family travel back to the hometown by car to attend these gatherings.

Each and every time, her family of five will bring nothing but their appetites!

They’re of the mindset that because they are traveling to see us, they shouldn’t have to bring anything.

I find this to be rude and ill-mannered.

In the days leading up to the holidays, she does nothing but run all over town shopping. It boggles my mind that she doesn’t think to stop to even pick up a bottle of wine. This has nothing to do with means or access.

Should the fact that they travel by car for the holidays make them exempt from contributing? — Tired of Hosting

Dear Tired: Holiday meals are not like other occasions. They are communal feasts, and I agree that it is polite to ask the host for an assignment of something to bring.

Your sister-in-law was not raised by your parents, who taught you that it was necessary to always bring something when you are invited for a meal. Your brother (this woman’s husband) WAS raised by your parents, however. He knows the drill — why is he not stepping up to contribute to the meal?

Rather than passively seethe and then riding your disappointment throughout the season, you could easily manage this by giving this family of five a specific assignment — perhaps a non-perishable dessert, drinks or both. You say, “It’s all hands on deck this year. I’m wondering if you would pick up some wine and soft drinks on your way into town? We could use your contribution.”