Bereaved daughter worries about mom

Dear Amy: I am getting married in a little over a year and will be moving out of my mom’s home.

I’m scared to move out, because then my mom will be all alone.

My dad died of cancer two years ago, and my sister is getting ready to go to college.

I’m afraid my mom will be lonely or become depressed. It makes me hesitate to make decisions for my future home or even my wedding.

How do I deal with this guilt I’m feeling?

Of course, I intend to spend as much time with her as I can, even when I’m starting my own life. — Distraught Daughter

Dear Distraught: Guilt is a tricky and sticky emotion.

People who have experienced grave losses, like you have, often bear guilt — along with their grief — as intertwined feelings.

Young and healthy survivors sometimes feel guilty, simply because they are still here, while their loved one is gone.

I’m suggesting that you find ways to examine your guilt more fully, to try to discern where its roots are (a therapist or grief counselor would help).

You don’t say much about your mother’s response to your father’s death. No doubt she has relied on you and your sister for comfort and company, but most parents accept that a child’s job is to eventually leave home, while the parent’s job is to let them. Yes, your mother is facing another transition. She might feel sad and lonely. You must trust that she can find ways to manage her feelings, just as you will find ways to tolerate and manage your own. Your duty is to live your own life, freely and fully.

Talk to her. She may have ideas for her own future that she hasn’t yet shared with you. If it appeals to her, co-housing with a friend (or another amiable adult) might be a positive short-term plan.

Understand that even if your mother is conflicted (she will surely miss you), your decision to marry is an optimistic and beautiful bid on your future.