Proposed thank-you vacation wouldn’t be a vacation at all

Iam staying at home with my two teenage daughters. My parents, who live about 10 minutes away, are elderly and vulnerable to the virus. They are observing strict quarantine and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

I have been doing all their errands for them. Given that they are also forgetful, this sometimes requires me going over there two or three times a day, maintaining social distance from my dad on the porch while he wipes down my purchases or talking to my mother by phone while waving at her bedroom window.

Believe it or not, this has been my pleasure, and I’m happy I have the time and opportunity to help them.

Now my parents are talking about taking me away for a vacation when “this is all over,” as a thankyou. I don’t want to go. I’m a single mom, and although I have not lost my job (I can telecommute), I don’t have a lot of savings. I can think of many better ways to use the money that would be spent on this trip.

Also, due to their age and (probably) fear and uncertainty, my parents bicker. A month with them would be me running and fetching and acting as a sounding board/referee. It wouldn’t be a vacation for me at all.

How do I escape this not-vacation?

Dear Miss Manners:

The same way you avoided coming to the dinner table as a child: by claiming you will be there any minute. More specifically, Miss Manners

Gentle reader:

is suggesting you quibble over the date, not the premise: “I would love to, but with everything that has happened, this year just is not going to work.”

Dear Miss Manners:

sent out 220 wedding invitations, got back 175 yeses, then the wedding venue in San Francisco shut down in March with eight days’ notice! We desperately tried to find an alternate venue without success and ended up canceling and calling all guests to tell them it was canceled.

Fortunately, most outof-town wedding guests were able to get airfare/ hotels refunded.

If and when things open, how should we handle the rescheduling? Specifically, reinvite all guests? Reinvite only those who RSVP’d yes?

If we reinvite only those guests who responded yes, what should we do about those who sent gifts even though they didn’t plan to attend? And what form should any reinvitations take? Bride and groom hope to marry in a ceremony for immediate family as soon as the quarantine is lifted, but have a belated reception.

If the wedding is held with only immediate family present, Miss Manners suggests sending an announcement afterward, which can also serve as a pledge for a future celebration, to which all the guests should be reinvited.

The letters of thanks for the presents already received should make it clear that nothing more is warranted: “Conrad and I were so dismayed that we weren’t able to have the ceremony with everybody there. We do hope that we will see you at the reception when it is rescheduled. In the meantime,

Gentle reader:

We thank you for the handsome antique pie slicer. We have been testing out many and various different pies to see which one it slices best. I say cherry.”

My husband of 30 years passed in March, and due to the pandemic, I have scheduled his memorial service for the summer. His daughter, a minister living in Sweden, was to officiate.

However, when she got the obituary, she angrily told me that she will neither come nor send any writing to be read, as I failed to list his ex-wife (divorced 35 years ago) in his obituary. Of course, I had mentioned his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Do I owe an apology? This has been an uneasy relationship for years. What is the custom?

Dear Miss Manners:

The custom is to recount important events in the life of the deceased, and a marriage, no matter how long ago, is one of them.

Miss Manners would hope that you could put aside your reaction to the daughter’s anger enough to reflect that she is hurt that her mother’s part in the life of your husband — the part that led to some of those descendants — was obliterated. The omission would have given the impression that you were the matriarch of that entire family.

So yes, please apologize, pleading inexperience and grief, and saying how much it would have meant to her father to have her conduct the service.

Gentle reader: To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.