Be polite when showing displeasure of ‘mansplaining’

Dear Miss Manners: I’m awoman inmy 50s with decades of professional experienceworking for high-profile individuals. I’m more international than many diplomats, as well as trendy and attractive. Nevertheless, I am overwhelmed with how ageism and sexism are affecting me.

In the last decade, my family dumped a gravely ill family member onme, I went through a divorce that left me penniless, and I raisedmy children with zero outside support. One ofmy children has been ill for years, sowe’ve been more onwelfare than off, leaving me with an illness myself.

It’s become apparent thatmy expertise is no longer needed in aworkplace as I can’t even get interviews, so I became a tech entrepreneur.

I try to be patient until people “get” me. However, I amdelirious with rage at the number of arrogant men between 20 and 35 who try to dominate me at work. Youngerwomen do it, too, but catch on faster, and I can handle the older men. It’s the young men with three to 10 years of experience who are mindbogglingly condescending.

I’m known for being friendly, polite and fair— so maybe these guys are taking me for an idiot?

I told one, whomI knew prettywell, “You are mansplaining, and it’s annoying.” He cried and we couldn’twork together anymore. Iwant to nip this in the bud as early as possible sowe can get down to business. Got anything for me?

Gentle reader: Yes: sympathy. But only with the caveat that, as irritating as these young men may be, you still have to be polite to them. Telling someone they are annoying or making generalizations about their demographic is neither friendly, polite nor fair — traits for which you claim to be known.

“Yes, I believe I just said that” is away to show displeasure at “mansplaining.” Or a reminder that self-promotion, unless it is on behalf of (credited) shared victories is unseemly: “Oh, thatwas your golf score? I’m sorry, but I thought youwere talking about business matters. Let us stick to that whilewe are atwork.”

The businessworld is having a moment right nowwherein it is addressing the historically dominant voices that have previously prevailed. Miss Manners hopes that your office will take advantage of the restructuring. If not, perhaps you can suggest it.

Dear Miss Manners: The day aftermy father’s funeral, a friend who had been in attendance calledme on the telephone. She proceeded to ask, “So, do you think your mother will start dating?”

Iwas appalled, and replied, “I really don’twant to think about that.” She then scolded me with, “You can’t be like that. It’s your mother’s life and you have to be supportive!” I said firmly, “My father has just died.” She replied, “Too soon?” She said the last in a tone that suggested she felt her question was perfectly reasonable.

Are such questions appropriate?

Gentle reader: Her chief thought is that youmust protect your mother against such a person. The callousness of those Get Over It types means they are likely to be persistent.

MissManners should not have to bolster your sense that such a suggestion is outrageous to the newly bereaved— as it is to yourself, in suggesting that you are acting against your mother’s best interests— and nosy ever after.

But you will have to be stern about making that clear by saying, “My mother is in mourning, as am I. If you cannot accept that, I beg you to refrain from upsetting us.”

Dear Miss Manners: My wife and Iwondered what the proper etiquette is for maskwearing at an outdoor sit-down restaurant.

We sawcoupleswearing no masks at all, which seemed rude to the staff and risky to the diners. We also sawcoupleswearing masks the whole time, lifting them up only to take food or drink, but that seemed impractical.

Iwant to be able to tuck my mask out of theway when eating and talking withmy quarantine companion, but have it ready to go whenwaitstaff come by. What do you recommend?

Gentle reader: Consider that rather than adding a problem, this situation has removed the problem of whether you shouldwear a tie. (All right, youwouldn’t have anyway, but for the sake of argument.) While you are eating or drinking, your mask should beworn around your neck. That way you can pull it up quickly when needed, instead of rummaging around wherever you left it.

To send a question to the MissManners team of JudithMartin, Nicholas IvorMartin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o UniversalUclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO64106.