Party guest played by rules, but failed to read the room

Dear Miss Manners: One evening, I had a gathering of eight friends for cards and a “white elephant” gift exchange. One guest, “Moira,” came as a substitute player, sent by an absent member. None of us had met her before.

We tried to make her feel welcome, but she seemed a bit distant and cold, and never seemed to fit in very well. When it came to the gift exchange, the first gift was selected and opened by “Heather,” and it became evident how much she loved it. She rejoiced over it, exclaiming how tickled she was to receive it, telling us how she would use it and thanking the giver profusely.

As we went around the circle, members could either select an unopened gift or “steal” an alreadyopened one from someone else. We came to Moira last, just because of where she was sitting in the circle. She opted to steal the gift from Heather, who was visibly disappointed to lose it. But she took it in stride and we moved on with the evening.

Later, however, several of the regular members remarked privately to me that they didn’t think Moira should have stolen Heather’s gift. They were upset that Moira would be so heartless as a one-time guest in someone else’s home. If Heather had not expressed such delight over the gift, it would have been different.

By the way, there were a few other “steals” that evening, but none of them was so obviously hurtful. Yes, she was playing by the rules of the gift exchange, but we thought she showed very little sensitivity. What do you think? Are we wrong to think poorly of Moira?

Gentle reader: Having no stakes in the social aspect of this gathering, Moira chose instead to win the game — and not to read the room. For that, Miss Manners understands that you think poorly of her.

However, the situation might give you pause — before future such gatherings — to wonder why it is considered fun to be given presents, only to have them taken away. Poor Heather deserves a singing bass that she can keep.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who asks me from time to time to go shopping with her. Neither of us has a car, so we use public transit, and always eat out where we shop.

The trouble is, she finds a problem with everything — from the driver of the bus to whatever she has ordered at the restaurant. At a restaurant, for example, she will order more biscuits or a to-go drink AFTER the bill has been presented. She is very loud and repetitive about making her case known. She will keep repeating herself over the person in charge, confusing them and blaming them.

I have told her that her complaints would be more effective if she did not scream repeatedly at the staff, and also that it is wrong to order food after the bill arrives. But she says they expect this, as she has waitress experience — which amounts to about six months over the course of her 58 years. It’s left me not wanting to go shopping with her at all.

Other than this behavior, I love her conversation and company. Any ideas on how to deal with her?

Gentle reader: Well, not by shopping or eating out, as Miss Manners trusts that you have learned.

Why don’t the two of you go fishing together? Or hiking in the mountains? Or skydiving? Then you could enjoy each other’s conversation without causing collateral damage.

Dear Miss Manners: My email was hacked. Some of my loving, trusting, generous — and also naive — friends were tricked into sending money to scammers because they thought they were helping me. I am grateful to have such friends, but naturally I feel rotten about this. Everybody tells me I am not to blame, even the ones who were defrauded, but I still feel guilty and responsible.

My etiquette problem is that part of the scam was the promise of repayment. That will not happen.

My friends may not be able to afford losing the money they thought they were simply loaning to me on a short-term basis. As it happens, though technically not responsible, I can help, and am anxious to. How do I go about it in a delicate and sensitive way? They may have their pride.

Gentle reader: Become exceedingly generous whenever you can, bestowing presents on these generous people. That should quell any issues of pride. But if they question your generosity, tell them, “Let’s just say that this is from me and the ‘prince’ who scammed you.”