Dinner companion extends invitation to his suitor, dogs

Dear Miss Manners: A dear friend separated from his partner of 11 years and very quickly found someone new, with whom he’s spending quite a bit of time.

I invited my friend out to dinner (my treat) to celebrate my birthday, making it clear I wanted to take him out, not the other way around. I prefaced my invitation with “If you don’t have any other plans,” and made a reservation for two at a restaurant that I wanted to try. But on the appointed day, I found out that my friend had extended my invitation to his new suitor — and his two large dogs! — without first checking with me.

He thought it was “not a big deal,” but I was miffed. I canceled the reservation and made my excuses, as I felt slighted and frankly did not want to spend an evening with my friend’s new lover. In canceling, I explained that I really wanted to spend time with my friend for my birthday and share a restaurant I was meaning to try with him, and that I would love to have dinner with him and his suitor on another occasion.

Was I rude to cancel dinner after my invitation was extended to other parties? Or was my friend rude in including a plusone without first checking with me?

Gentle reader: What restaurant allows two big dogs?

Sorry. Perhaps Miss Manners is focusing on the wrong thing. Your friend should not have invited his suitor and certainly not the dogs — and your cancellation was understandable and tactfully worded.

Although Miss Manners would have probably just blamed it on the dogs.

Dear Miss Manners: My father died earlier this year. He was loving to his immediate family and a few friends, but to many others, he was very abrasive and obnoxious. Additionally, our extended family is unhealthy and negative.

My father did not want a big to-do when he passed. My sisters and I chose to have a private service for only our spouses and children and my father’s best friend, so that we may mourn our father’s passing without having to deal with any unnecessary issues.

I’m being given the message by others that the decision is selfish, and that we are disrespecting his memory by not allowing an open service.

Are we, his immediate family, within our rights to have a private service? Or are other people correct in casting judgment?

Gentle reader: Your question is whether outsiders are within their rights to berate the bereaved; no, they are not.

But Miss Manners has noted, when the pandemic contracted or suspended funerals, the emptiness felt by people who may be beyond that immediate family but nevertheless crave the opportunity to pay their respects. To see someone simply disappear feels even worse than if there is a ceremonial leave-taking, sad as that is.

So the response she would suggest you make to that unwarranted criticism is, “Well, we preferred a private service. But we would be interested to hear what you might have said about him if we had asked you to speak at a public funeral.”

This could provide a small outlet for their feelings, presumably following the rule against speaking evil of the dead. And if not, at least it would deflect them from going after you.

Dear Miss Manners: I am married with a great family, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if my mom is keeping something from me.

Years ago, I came home late after running errands for my mom, and I overheard her and my sibling talking. Mind you, I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but they were loud, and I heard the end of the conversation. The words I heard from my sibling were, “If my sister ever finds out, say this.”

I wonder to this day what they are hiding from me. Maybe I was adopted, or maybe it’s something else they prefer not to discuss. Every time I try to confront them, they look at me like they don’t know what I am talking about. What should I do?

Gentle reader: Had the conversation happened yesterday, Miss Manners might share your suspicion about their inability to remember the topic. But years later? Likely, they really have forgotten — as should you. If that is impossible, at least consider that a secret you do not know can be good as well as bad: Perhaps they were discussing your surprise birthday party.