South Florida Sun-Sentinel (Sunday)

Don’t issue invitation to family members you don’t want there

- Judith Martin Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners: A relative and I are organizing a get-together of family members we don’t see much now that our grandparen­ts and parents have died. We plan to invite 15 relatives and their spouses, kids and grandkids, with multiple activities planned over two or three days. Most will have to travel for the occasion.

There are two people we don’t want to join us, but whom we must invite because leaving them off the invitation list would require explaining the reasons. (Those reasons include the theft of tens of thousands of dollars, the theft of family heirlooms and making sexualized remarks to a preteen.)

How can we include them in the invitation list but somehow keep them from coming? We could send invitation­s electronic­ally, with names of all the relatives in blind copies, but eventually the omission would be noticed.

I have thought of hinting at legal action to one of these relatives, but have no such threat to make to the other.

Gentle reader: Issuing invitation­s and pressing charges in the same mail reminds Miss Manners of the ancient practice of inviting your rival to dinner so you could assassinat­e him.

It made for a good story (for those who survived), but it was never good manners.

If these relatives committed such egregious acts, then they should not be invited. If you do not want to explain why they were excluded, say, “We have had some serious difference­s that I do not wish to discuss.” And then pass the cookies.

Dear Miss Manners: I started a new job about a year ago, in a position that I’ve long hoped for and finally achieved. The issue I am experienci­ng is with a co-worker whose desk is near mine.

On top of frequent pacing, he talks to himself constantly, and it’s usually of a complainin­g nature. He also exclaims “God!” rather often. While eating at his desk, he smacks his lips as he critiques the food to himself.

I’ve tried asking “Excuse me?” to let him know he’s thinking out loud, but the hint doesn’t seem to hit home. The use of a radio to drown out some of the comments has helped a bit, but I can’t play it too loudly, especially when needing to answer the phone.

Other than the annoying habits, he’s actually nice. Any suggestion­s?

It is endlessly confusing to Miss Manners that people who talk to themselves feel they are justified in being offended when another person responds. It seems to her that that is how communicat­ion works, and fair warning should be given if it is going to go otherwise.

She therefore suggests that you say, “I am afraid that it’s difficult to focus on clients when you are speaking out loud to yourself. Perhaps you can take your conversati­on to another room?”

Gentle reader: Dear Miss Manners:

Is there still a stigma attached to gifting paperback books, rather than hardcover? A book that I think the recipient would really enjoy is available in both editions.

While I would not mind the extra expense, I feel that the monetary value of the paperback book might be considered more appropriat­e for the occasion (a personal parting gift to a co-worker).

Gentle reader: A stigma attached to giving paperback books? Uh-oh.

And here Miss Manners thought that the magic ingredient was the content, and that even a battered copy of a book that captured one’s interest was better than a shiny edition of the latest bestseller chosen without regard to the recipient’s taste.

I invited a neighbor to dinner recently. She stated that she had a busy evening already, but would stop by and pick up the dinner I offered. I packed up dinner in a takeout container and handed it off. But I wondered: Since when does a dinner invitation mean a takeout opportunit­y?

Dear Miss Manners:

Gentle reader: Since never, and Miss Manners is astonished that you accepted not only the request but the insult. Your neighbor has made it clear that while she likes your food, she has no interest in your company.

Dear Miss Manners: What is a polite way to inquire about another’s accent one finds intriguing?

Gentle reader: Not to.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanner­s. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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