Let conscience guide decision to remain friends with scammer

Dear Miss Manners: A close friend has been living with his girlfriend for a few years, and they have a 1-year-old child. After multiple comments that he was “amazed” he hadn’t paid a penny for his child, I finally realized they’re receiving welfare. He makes a six-figure salary, so they do not qualify.

After much deliberation, I gently informed him of that, explaining that I feared they could risk serious consequences. He said he was grateful for the advice, but said, “It’s over anyway.” I recently learned they are still taking welfare, and now get child care vouchers.

I feel bad for being judgmental, but I’m really unsure whether I can continue the friendship. I also feel that, out of friendship, I should not report them. My friend often talks to me about his estate planning and plans to buy a house.

I feel very strongly that this welfare fraud is unacceptable. I don’t want to ghost my longtime friend or raise the issue again. He knows it’s illegal and made a choice. I haven’t returned their calls because I don’t know how to handle it.

Gentle reader: There is a growing trend of ostracizing people for relatively minor transgressions, but Miss Manners does not think that fraud and theft — even from the government — are minor transgressions.

She will leave you and your conscience to decide whether to report them. Continuing not to return calls is a perfectly reasonable way to show your unwillingness to condone their unlawful behavior.

Dear Miss Manners: I run an online company and buy additional merchandise locally, one to three times a year. The money spent is at stores where there is an option to negotiate price.

I am having trouble because the salespeople, and even other customers, are always asking me why I’m buying so much and who it’s for. If I tell them it’s for my business, then they take offense that I am getting deals, but if I am vague, I get better pricing. I had one place tell me that wholesalers don’t get deals.

I need to know how to respond respectfully to the intrusive questioning without a conversation about me reselling the items. I don’t feel it’s the salesperson’s business what quantity I buy of anything, but there always seems to be a need for me to explain myself. How can I answer?

Gentle reader: Common courtesy requires you to respond when someone speaks to you, but it does not require you to answer intrusive questions, nor does it require variety.

When asked who the items are for, you could answer, “I really like this item.” When asked why you are buying so many, answer, “I’m stocking up.”

If the person presses, do not be afraid to reply with the same answer — with a slightly less friendly demeanor. Even businesspeople with such little business experience as to suggest that wholesalers should pay more will eventually get the idea.

While Miss Manners agrees that you have no obligation to share your plans, she reminds you that you are under a moral obligation not to ask the shopkeeper to reduce the price on the grounds that it is intended for your injured niece.

Dear Miss Manners: I gave birth to my son at age 39. My son is biracial, and we don’t look exactly alike.

Since he was an infant, complete strangers have approached me to ask how we are related, with no prior conversation or interaction. The question is, invariably, “Hi, is that your grandson?”

Most of the time, I say with a straight face and in a monotone, “No, he is my son.” But I resent having to explain to complete strangers how I am related to the child I am with.

Since when is it OK to be this forward with complete strangers? I don’t understand why they care. Is there a better way to communicate that their question is rude and intrusive, as well as not provide them with the requested information?

Gentle reader: “Sorry — I’m teaching him not to talk to strangers. I’m sure you understand how important that is these days.”

Dear Miss Manners: How do I send a belated notice to friends and family of the death of my elderly parents more than a year later?

Gentle reader: In a handwritten letter that includes an apology for the delay. The formality will help friends and family understand that the delay is related to your grief, not your forgetfulness.