Woman with chronic back pain doesn’t mean to act like a ‘Karen’

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve become that grumpy old woman that many call a “Karen.” I’m 73. I live with chronic lower back pain, which took hold about 12 years ago. I’m doing my best to manage it with the help of excellent doctors and therapists.

My husband of 30 years resents my change in circumstances from a vibrant, “go anywhere, do anything” personality to what he terms a “cranky, useless old lady.”

His insults and lack of respect have taken a toll on me, admittedly. I only divulge this to explain that my sadness, anger and resentment toward this situation are causing me to be rude to others in public.

Understanding that my personal situation is in flux, how can I arm myself to be kinder and more gracious when clerks and salespeople are less friendly, helpful and understanding than I was coached to be when I worked in retail? I know times have changed. Things are tough everywhere, and I try to allow for that. But it seems more and more, I’m in the wrong, and I can’t seem to find my easier, gentler self.

Miss Manners, where did my good manners go and how can I navigate this period of my life with grace?

Gentle reader: As you realize, if Miss Manners gave out passes for people with tough circumstances to be rude and short-tempered, society — so close to the brink already — would completely fall apart.

You have taken the first step by recognizing your transgressions and showing some willingness to change. You do not want to practice the rudeness you deplore.

If we can all try to remember that the rest of the world does not exist solely to make our lives harder and assume good intent — even when it seems unlikely — it would go a long way toward improvement. Besides, there is nothing quite so satisfying as disarming another person’s rudeness by being relentlessly polite. Miss Manners suggests you try it.

Dear Miss Manners: Iam trying to find a relationship via online dating. I believe in honesty, and my online profile is completely accurate — with one exception.

Although the dating site encourages users to use their real first names as screen names, I am uncomfortable with this. Instead, I use a pseudonym (let’s call it “Biff ”) that I think is unlikely to be confused with a real name. When I correspond with women on the site, if it seems like we will end up meeting each other, I then explain that I am not named Biff in real life.

Nobody has ever complained about this, and it turns out that many women do the same. However, I recently had a video chat with a woman where I forgot to disclose. She went into the chat thinking I was Biff and became very upset when she learned otherwise. She said I tricked her. I tried to explain, but she was dissatisfied. She quickly disconnected and then blocked me on the dating site.

What is your take on this? Did she overreact, in which case I may be better off not getting involved with someone who has a short fuse? Or was I the one who committed the faux pas?

Gentle reader: Initially introducing oneself under false premises used to be a serious offense; in the context you cite, it is, unfortunately, merely common sense.

You were right to give your real name when you did — but it seems that the lady overreacted (thereby saving you the trouble of getting to know her). In the future, perhaps you can choose an even more obvious non-name, such as Bff4123@. As you have already learned, you will not be the only person on the site ignoring the encouragement to use your real name.

Dear Miss Manners: I have been a lawyer for almost 30 years. Over the last few years, more and more clients or potential clients have come into my office carrying coffee or some other drink. This creates a potential for a spill or ring on my beautiful desk. Also, eating or drinking is inappropriate and rude in a professional office. I do not eat or drink when clients are present, and I am surprised that some people think this is acceptable. What do you think?

Gentle reader: These days, owners of expensive desks, even when they are right, would do well to keep a supply of paper towels handy. But Miss Manners would allow you to say in a hospitable tone, “Why don’t you sit down and finish that and then we’ll talk,” which they might do hastily, knowing that your time is billable.