Unanswered Sunday dinner invitation leads to confusion

Dear Miss Manners: My husband says I mangled this situation badly: We met a couple at church and felt we would like to get to know them better. One Sunday after services, I asked whether they would care to join us for dinner that afternoon and that we eat at 4 p.m. The husband had stepped away to speak with someone else, and the wife thanked me for the invitation and said she would talk with her husband and get back to me.

When we got home, I reiterated the invitation via text. There was no reply. As it happened, my dinner was ready to eat a little earlier than I thought it would be, so my family and I went ahead and sat down to eat since I had not heard back.

Imagine my surprise when the doorbell rang at 4 p.m. and there was the couple — plate of cookies in hand — cheerfully stating they were there for dinner.

I stammered out something to the effect of, “I didn’t know you were coming, since I never heard from you.” They agreed they should have let me know, gave me the plate of cookies (which were delicious) and left with the promise of another invitation in the near future.

That is the point on which we disagree. We had some food still available to eat, and my husband said I should have still invited them in to partake of the leftovers. I feel that since I never got a definite answer to my invitation, I was correct in not planning to serve them and I feel it would have been rude to say “Well, we’ve eaten, but you’re welcome to what we have left over.”

People make mistakes, which is why the apology was invented. Apologies also ease the situation even when you have not done anything wrong — eating your dinner early, for example, because the food was hot and you were not expecting company.

It surprises Miss Manners that, when both families want to be friends, no one appears to have thought of this. You could have apologized for having already eaten. Your guests could have apologized for not telling you they were coming (agreeing they should have told you is not the same thing).

As to serving leftovers, it was not required, but its very informality would have demonstrated your desire to count them among your intimate friends. As would another invitation.

Gentle reader: Dear Miss Manners:

I am an avid walker. I start my day with a walk fast enough to work my muscles and increase my heart rate.

I walk the streets in my neighborhood and frequently see neighbors out walking or strolling with their dogs. I acknowledge them with a friendly “Good morning,” but don’t slow or attempt to engage them in further conversation.

On occasion, folks will want to stop and visit, and while I’m very social and appreciative of their desire to be friendly, I don’t want to break my routine or allow my pulse to slow.

Can I graciously disengage and keep moving without appearing to be rude or aloof ?

Gentle reader: You can graciously disengage yourself in any number of ways, from the “I’m sorry, but I really have to go” to the “I think I hear my mother calling.” But all of these options require time. What you really want is a method for not stopping, for which Miss Manners recommends acquiring a mental mindset of yourself as a ship that requires miles to stop: Wave and smile as momentum carries you out of range of your talkative neighbor.

Dear Miss Manners: Some years ago, I befriended a co-worker. Even though we do not work together anymore, we keep in touch from time to time. When his mother died, I went to the church service to give my condolences.

I gave him, his wife (who is also my friend) and his brother a hug and some words of comfort, but I did not address his other siblings. I know who they are, but I can’t remember ever having so much as a casual chat with any of them.

Should I have also given them my condolences? Was I petty in not offering them a gesture of sympathy, even though we are not acquainted?

Gentle reader: Yes. Not knowing all of the grieving family members is not an uncommon situation, and Miss Manners is confident that those closest to the deceased would prefer an expression of sympathy from a stranger to seeing a turned back and wondering who that was.