South Florida Sun-Sentinel (Sunday)
Brother trashes home state while visiting a sibling there
My family grew up in a lovely area. I still live here, while my brother and sister-inlaw have moved out of state. My brother occasionally reaches out to ask if they can stay with me for a weekend to attend events and visit family and friends.
I love having company, and welcome visitors whenever I can. But since moving away, my brother and his wife have taken to making negative comments to me about the state in which we all grew up — about our governor, the traffic, the high cost of living, the weather, you name it — all while staying in my house! I am not sure how to respond to these comments. Do I tell my brother ahead of the next visit that he is welcome, but ask him to leave the negative comments at home? Do I decline his request and suggest they choose another sibling with whom to stay? Do I just smile and tell them I’m so happy they have found a much better place for themselves? I get stressed just thinking about the next visit.
Gentle reader: Because your brother grew up in your area, he probably thinks that he has free license to insult it — forgetting that his siblings have remained loyal and do not feel the same.
But that does not mean, Miss Manners assures you, that you have to listen. You might say, “I know that you never thought much of our hometown, and I’m so glad that you have found one that suits you better. But I still love it here, and when you disparage it, it makes me feel terrible. I love having you at my house, and it seems that you like staying here, so perhaps while you’re here, you can find some things that you still like about the place that we still clearly love.”
And then Miss Manners suggests steering the conversation away from the local news.
Dear Miss Manners: How can one respond when bumping into a friend they haven’t seen in a year or so, and the first thing the friend says is, “Where have YOU been? You haven’t been around in ages!”
The tone of voice suggests that I am hiding and being unsocial, when in fact the friend hasn’t reached out to me, either, during that time. It puts me on the defensive to explain why I haven’t been in touch with them.
I also experience this at a nonprofit organization where I have been a volunteer for years, helping out when my schedule allows. A couple of people who spend a regular amount of time there greet me with, “Oh, are you here to help today?” Of course they know I am there to volunteer, and their catty tone suggests that they’d almost forgotten about me. Meanwhile, I have been at the organization longer than they have and even helped to train them! I just don’t know how to respond to such remarks.
Gentle reader: Though such greetings are understandably off-putting, Miss Manners notes that they gain the greeter nothing when they appear to slide off the recipient without effect. Whether this means responding with, “Oh, you know me — busy, busy, busy!” or “Where have YOU been hiding? It really has been a long time” will depend on how much time and effort you wish to invest.
Dear Miss Manners: Iam a 59-year-old woman who carries some extra weight in just my abdomen. I think I look my age, yet I am frequently asked, “When is the baby due?” “How far along are you?” etc. I am always astounded when confronted with this, and have no idea of the polite way to respond. Somehow “I’m not pregnant” doesn’t seem to be the most appropriate answer, because both parties just end up being embarrassed.
Gentle reader: People often tell Miss Manners that etiquette is just a matter of making other people feel comfortable. Well, often, yes. But there are times to make people uncomfortable enough that they stop discomforting others. This is one of them. Unfortunately, that is not license to be rude yourself. Miss Manners suggests a pleasant, “You’re mistaken about me. How far along are you?”
And yes, you can say it to any gender. It does not specify “how far along” in what — and it might refer to “learning manners.”
Dear Miss Manners: I work a job where I often have to staple both portrait and landscape pages together. How do I orient the landscape pages in relation to the portrait ones?
Gentle reader: Facing forward.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.