Seven Rules for Team Design
WITH THE ADVENT of the Seattle Kraken and the rebranding of the Cleveland Guardians, sports may be entering a golden age of confusing team names I have to look up on Wikipedia. You’ve heard the term “copycat league” used to refer to tactics, but it applies to branding, too. Why else would so many mascots literally be cats? (Looking at you, Panthers, Panthers, and Panthers.)
Luckily there still exits a true iconoclast in this world, a mind that can think for itself: mine. Normally, I don’t just give away my expert advice. Frankly, though, I can’t watch another game in which the team in dark blue jerseys with white letters runs into the team in the white jerseys with dark blue letters. Which brings me to my first rule:
1. No More Blue. It’s the vanilla of colors. (Or would that be vanilla?) Teams that have been in blue since the dinosaurs, like the Yankees, have staked their claim. Everyone else needs to find a different crayon. The Nashville Predators threw off the oppressive yoke of indigo in 2011 and became the yellowest team ever. I can’t eat a banana or stare directly into the sun without thinking of them. Or how about the neon orange of their neighbors in Knoxville? Say what you will about Tennesseans, but they know how to stay visible to deer hunters.
2. Three Colors, Max.
The more colors in a uniform, the less iconic it is. Who’s more recognizable: the Lakers, who wear purple and yellow, or the Suns, who wear purple, orange, gray, and yellow? What does purple have to do with the sun, anyway? Phoenix, you’ve ceded the sun association to the Predators. I’ve already taken blue off the table. That should help.
3. Think Ahead. The Jazz get points for being different, but the name wasn’t future-proof. It didn’t really survive the move from New Orleans to Utah. No one hears a saxophone and is instantly transported to Salt Lake City. And don’t tell me about the “St. Louis Blues.” That’s just an excuse to skirt Rule No. 1!
4. Stick With Your City. Pittsburgh has black and gold. Seattle has dark green. Nothing kills the look of a bedroom like a mismatched poster. The Arizona Cardinals were red. The Coyotes switched to red. Then the Diamondbacks became red, too. And yet there remains a team in Phoenix whose colors are purple, orange, gray, and yellow, supposedly representing the sun.
5. More Decorations. The coolest part of soldiers’ uniforms are the rank insignias. Hockey gets it with its captains and assistant captains. In Finland, they take the concept even further, having teams’ top point-scorers wear special shiny helmets. Ohio State’s buckeye stickers don’t go far enough. Tom Brady should have so many medals hanging off his jersey he can barely lift his arm to throw.
6. Don’t Force A Name. The Washington Football Team plans to announce its new mascot sometime this season. Why rush it? Executives picking a team name is too top-down. Let the squad earn it. What’s a cooler name: The Philadelphia Flyers or the Broad Street Bullies? Think of the Stanford Tree. The school’s official nickname is the Cardinal. But then some wild kids dressed up as foliage. That’s true grassroots (no pun intended) fan culture.
Washington should let an organic nickname develop. Instead, they’ll probably just pick a kind of cat.
7. Get Weird. While the
Seattle Kraken jerseys are blue, the name is novel. How better to jump-start a new and unproven franchise than with a word that’s ancient and feared? Do people really dread the sun? Actually, given climate change, maybe they should. I might’ve been unfair to the Phoenix Suns in this column. I’m not trying to steal Charles Barkley’s bit here.
But hey, it’s easier to criticize than create. So I’m going to put my money where my mouth is and describe to you what I’ve been working on for my Little League team. It’s a hot-pink-and-brown plaid with lime-green racing stripes going down the pant leg. The editors wouldn’t let me show it in the magazine, but I’m sure they’re just jealous!