How to Make Friends On Your Team

With Mark Hiatt, sport psychologist

JOINING A TEAM can be a great way to make new friends, but meeting people can be overwhelming. To get some advice on how to take the first step to becoming closer with your teammates—and how to resolve issues with people you already know—we talked to Mark Hiatt, sport psychology director at Dartmouth College Health Service.

Adults suggest kids join sports teams as a way to make friends, but teams can have their own social hierarchies. How would you advise kids try making friends while on a team?

Playing a sport with friends you already have is a great way to deepen friendships, and it’s a great way to make new friends. Try to get to know your teammates. Make an effort to chat either after practice or during appropriate times during practice. You can talk about the practice or a game, and try to find some things you have in common. Sometimes that can feel daunting. So if you’re feeling shy, maybe just pick one or two teammates to start the conversation with.

On a team sport, maybe you play the same position. Or if you’re swimming, maybe

you’re in the next lane. I think being a good teammate is about trying your best. And it doesn’t mean you have to be the best, but putting your best effort in, encouraging your teammates, and being positive, because that lets the other kids know you care. Being a good teammate is a lot like being a good friend.

What would you say to a kid who is struggling in their sport because of anxiety about not making friends on the team? How can they break out of the cycle that creates?

It can be challenging if you’re not feeling very confident. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge it can be challenging.

You may feel some butterflies, but that’s normal, because you’re taking on something that’s new, and that makes all of us nervous or stressed. Focus more on something you can control: I’m going to try to do my best on this particular drill. It’s also O.K. to talk with your coach about how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling a little nervous, the coach is there to help support you. It’s also O.K. to talk to your parents about it.

What about if you have a falling out with a teammate or feel in between two friends who are mad at each other?

Those are really challenging situations for all of us—adults, too. If you’re established on the team, you might try to sit down with the two kids outside of practice—go for a walk or just hang out— and see if people can start to talk about it in a kind and respectful way. That can be challenging, so it’s important to talk to your coach about it. And if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, you can let the coach know, “Hey, these two kids are having a hard time. It might be helpful for someone to talk to them about it.” I think coaches are in a really good place to sit down and facilitate those conversations.

What are other common issues you encounter with kids who play sports?

It’s really easy to get caught up in the winning or losing, or Where do I stand on the team? It’s good to be competitive. We all want to do well. But as much as you can, move the focus onto mastery— doing your best, learning, and supporting your teammates—and away from Did we win or did we lose? You want to try to keep the focus on fun and learning.