Questions answered by a dating coach
Q: Someone is running hot and cold with me. What is that about?
A: When someone changes the cadence of communication (like, lots of texting then not), you can — and should — ask what’s going on. You don’t have to adapt to someone else’s indecision.
Q: How do you let a guy know you want to see him more often?
A: “I want to see you more often!” And I don’t give this advice facetiously. Oftentimes, we are scared to say what we actually want because we are afraid of the outcome or getting a response we don’t like. So we choose to live in the status quo. I encourage you to put it out there and see what happens.
Q: I have great first dates. Then he asks for a second date, then never follows up. What’s going on?
A: It could be a number of things:
1. He said what he thought you wanted to hear in the moment.
2. He truly felt it in the moment and then changed his mind or liked someone else more. (Most likely option)
3. He thinks you weren’t interested, so he didn’t ask because he didn’t want to be rejected.
Q: How do you ask someone if they have actually healed from divorce? Many haven’t.
A: Who wouldn’t say “yes” to that question, especially if they like you? The better indicator is to learn about this person by dating. I know we all want to ask these kinds of questions to “save time,” but in dating, there’s no fast-forward button. Actions speak louder than words, especially words answering a premature — and somewhat intrusive — question out of context.
Q: He said he’s seeing someone else, but he’s still watching my Instagram Stories. Why?
A: Those two things are not mutually exclusive. He is seeing someone else. He also wants to keep tabs on you for when he’s not seeing someone else to make sure you’re available. Or he just lets his Instagram Stories scroll through without paying attention. Either way, in order not to obsess over it, I would block him from viewing privileges. It’ll be hard in the moment, but the future version of you will thank you.
Q: How do you break things off with someone you’ve been on a few dates with?
A: “Hey [person you don’t want to see anymore]! Thank you again for all of our fun dates (and for teaching me about/sharing with me ___). Unfortunately, I’m just not feeling the romantic connection I’m ultimately looking for, but I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and wish you nothing but the best.”
Here’s what not to do: ghost. Or soften the blow by repeatedly telling them how “great” they are while rejecting them. Be an antighoster (aka mature human adult).
Q: Should you go on a second date when you were so-so on the first?
A: I always say that the criteria for a second date should be whether you want to have another conversation with this person.
Going on a second date
“just to see” is completely appropriate. You do not have to make any grand decisions after the first date. People often put too much pressure on themselves to know something. You don’t have to.
Q: What questions should you ask someone to learn how emotionally intelligent and emotionally mature they are?
A: Similar to the question about divorce above, there is no secret sauce or special question to ask. You just have to get to know this person over time. Maybe we can microwave popcorn, but we can’t microwave relationships. And if you learn over time that this person is not emotionally intelligent enough for you (however you define it), then it was not a waste. That time was required. That’s dating.
Q: An old flame is back in my life. Why am I so afraid to date them again?
A: Because history repeats itself? You have trauma from that relationship that you haven’t healed from yet? You’re afraid you’re only going back because it’s comfortable?
Listen to your body. Sometimes it knows things internally that we have not yet processed externally. But, just like with jobs, every relationship is “at will,” and nothing is irreversible. So you can always try, and if it doesn’t work, do not continue.