Talk to mom about teen daughter’s calls
Remember, this is your child’s time with you, the time you can build your relationship and get close. Show them they can depend on you. Don’t let it slip through your fingers.
Q: My daughter is 13. Her mother and I have not been together for years. I am supposed to see her every other weekend, plus other times that can be arranged. I have always wanted my daughter to visit because she wanted to. I didn’t want to make her. When she calls and tells me she has something else she wants to do, I always say, “That’s fine.” But, recently, she has been saying that more and more, and it’s been two months since we have done anything. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: Ah, The Cool Dad syndrome. When parents tell me, “I don’t want to make her come see me,” I have to ask, why not? Divorced parents seem to be so afraid to “make” their kids do something. If they hear the dreaded “I don’t have to do that at mom’s (or dad’s) house,” all reason stops. Instead of calling mom up and chatting about the reported difference, the parent backs off. “Oh no, what if she prefers their home? She won’t want to come back!” And so it’s not uncommon for parents stop “making” their kids do their chores, pick up their room, observe curfew or see the importance of going to their other parent’s home.
Instead of backing off, a conversation with the other parent when the kids aren’t around is what is necessary. When you can discuss things calmly and respectfully, it’s not even a bad idea to let your kids hear how you compromise in their name, acknowledging to each other how important each of your roles is in your children’s lives. Most of all, support the child’s time with each of you.
Kids need direction and boundaries. That’s why co-parenting after a breakup is so important. True co-parents exchange information, not because they want to know what goes on at the other house, but because their children live in two homes. What goes on at the other house impacts their kids.
So, regarding making your child come see you: The first thing you want to do when a child balks is to check to see if they are in danger. Is something happening that is making them feel this way? However, more often than not, the “I don’t want to go” is a test. I can’t tell you how many teenagers, when I have asked them why they are not seeing their other parent, tell me, “He (or she) doesn’t care if I don’t go.”
But they do. They just want to be “cool.” They don’t want their child to feel obligated. However, their child is obligated — and so is the parent. Both need to cultivate the relationship with gusto. Your child follows your lead. Get in there. Tell your child not that you miss them, but you can’t wait to see them — and don’t just sit around when they get there. Plan something you can both look forward to. It does not have to be expensive outing.
Remember, this is your child’s time with you, the time you can build your relationship and get close. Show them they can depend on you. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of“ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies. com. Email her at the Ex-etiquette website exetiquette.com at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.