Laws for living life in the fast lane

So, it looks like the state Legislature is going to get involved in driving issues this session.

I know, be afraid. Problems the lawmakers are planning to tackle include traffic congestion, driver safety and the increasingly annoying antics of the passing lane lanebrains.

I see hope here, but I also see whatever the opposite of hope may be.

This is pretty much my default position whenever the poobahs up in Hartford take up issues that might directly affect my life.

That noted, in this case the sense of fear and trepidation is not just a kneejerk reaction.

But before getting into the stupid stuff, let’s pause to praise one of the best bills to come before the General Assembly in the history of the institution.

I am speaking, of course, about legislation that would prohibit drivers from traveling in the left lane unless they are passing another vehicle.

Why is this law necessary? Speed Freaks: No matter how quickly traffic is moving, it is never fast enough for these reckless halfwits. When it comes to morons, these people are like royalty.

Tailgaters: I speak of the drivers who fly up behind you and ride your bumper while you are in the left lane engaged in passing another vehicle. Occasionally these dolts are not driving pickups.

Pickups: Speaking of which, probably the single most effective thing legislators could do to reclaim the passing lane is to ban pickups. I don’t know why, but as soon as pickup drivers move into the left lane they behave as if their manhood is under the hood.

High Beamers (not to be confused with stoned BMW owners): These dim bulbs come from the same shallow end of the gene pool as tailgaters. Personally, I like it when they turn their high beams on. It makes it easier for them to see which finger

I am holding up. Cruise Controllers:

Usually older, these operators use the passing lane properly, but do so while using cruise control. This can turn a passing situation into a pilgrimage.

Vigilantes: The speed limit is 65 mph and by God they are going to do their upmost to see that everybody complies. Exit Lanebrainers: Yes, they need to be in the passing lane because their exit is on the left. But do they have to position themselves 10 miles in advance? Crime and Punishment: The key to making any new left lane legislation effective resides in the penalty. Most discussed at this point is a modest fine. Personally, I think a punishment that involves the phrase “without possibility of parole” would be most effective. But I suppose I could be overreacting.

Anyway, if addressing the problem of passing lanes is the best motor vehicle idea the legislature has had in a while, the worst has to be that which was proposed by a state senator from Sprague (wherever that is.)

Her bill would make it legal for motorcycles to be driven between lanes of traffic.

Motorcyclists creating their own lanes on the highway while weaving in and out at 65 mph or so. What could possibly go wrong?

At present, only one state, California, allows this practice. And you wonder why people call it the Gridlock State.

Finally, there is the matter of tolls.

When I first heard the Legislature was considering installing tolls, I was outraged. I hate tolls. I never have the exact change, and even when I do, something usually happens were I drop it in the car, or miss the basket, and then everyone behind me gets all impatient and horny.

Then I learned that instead of toll booths there would be some kind of electronic system, and that only trucks might be targeted.

Hey, as long as the bell doesn’t toll for me, I’m good.