The dirty secret in the men’s room

There has been a lot of handwringing over hand washing recently.

Prompting the spike in attention was an on-air revelation by Fox News host Pete Hegseth, in which he told viewers he hasn’t washed his hands in 10 years.

The reaction to this news was widespread and varied, but the best word to describe it would be — ew.

Although Hegseth’s admission attracted much tsk-tsk-tsking, he might not be as much an outlier as we would like to believe.

A study by the British newspaper, Daily Mail, found that 62 percent of men, and 40 percent of women didn’t bother to wash their hands after going to the bathroom. (And you wonder why many countries will not be disappointed to see Great Britain leave the European Union.)

As bad as the Brits are, Americans may be even worse. According to a CDC study, 69 percent of men and 35 percent of women do not always hit the sink before exiting the restroom.

These statistics correspond with my own observations regarding the hand-washing habits of American men.

To be clear, I am referencing quick bathroom trips, here, the type that occur several times a day, you know, whip in, whip out. Not included are the type of visits that require reading material, which I believe, or desperately want to believe, would increase the hand-washing percentages significantly.

There are, essentially, four types of hand washing you see in the average men’s room: The blow by: Zip, whiz, flush, check hair in mirror, and gone. (“Who was that masked man?”)

The splash: Turn on faucet, quick hands pass under water, set shot into waste basket with crumbled paper towel on the way out. (This approach, it is my theory, is peer-pressure based and often employed by members of the blow-by crowd when others are in the restroom.)

The maternal: Hot water, soap, lather, rinse, dry, bask in the knowledge that mom would feel her life has not be wasted.

The surgical: The people in this group take washing up seriously, very seriously. First, they run the water until it is hot enough to boil lobsters. Next, they pump a half a dispenser or so of soap onto their hands and lather it into a mad-dog froth while vigorously scrubbing front, back, in-between fingers and forearms.

To get the full benefit from washing your hands, the experts advise one to rub and scrub in this manner for 20 seconds. To know when 20 seconds is up, they suggest one sing the Happy Birthday song twice, or recite the alphabet.

Common sense tells you that if you use this timing device in a men’s room, it is probably a good idea not to do it out loud. Doing so will cause people to eye you strangely and could be disruptive to people trying to read.

But back to the surgical hand washers.

When they are satisfied that any remaining germs have been exterminated, the surgicals turn off the water with an elbow, and then keep their dripping hands held upright as they move toward the towel dispenser. There, after going through several towels, they take a last one, which they use to open the door.

Now, I have no idea how long these people wash after having been involved in a reading-material visit, but I assume it probably includes singing Bohemian Rhapsody at least once.

Anyway, if you are ever introduced to Fox News’ Pete Hegseth …

Go with the fist bump.