Dulos’ family: ‘We ‘don’t have a story to tell people’
NEW CANAAN — Carrie Luft has found the concept of “ambiguous loss” to be illuminating while dealing with the disappearance of her close friend, Jennifer Dulos.
“We are in a feeling of suspended animation,” Luft said of the disappearance.
Most people have a narrative about an event that has caused tremendous pain, Luft said.
“But in this case, we have no narrative,” she said. “If you don’t have a narrative, you don’t have a story to tell people. That’s how usually people begin working through their grief. They have a story.”
Educator and researcher Pauline Boss first coined the term “ambiguous loss” after dealing with families of soldiers missing in action in the Vietnam War during the 1970s.
The phrase refers to the death, disappearance or some other detachment, for instance, dealing with someone who has Alzheimer’s.
The concept is “evocative and helpful,” said Luft, who has acted as a family spokeswoman since Jennifer Dulos disappeared on May 24.
As Sunday marks six months since the 51yearold vanished, her five children remain with her mother, Gloria Farber. The 84yearold Manhattan resident has been a strong and loving presence in the children’s lives, friends say.
“Not only are the children with their grandmother, they are surrounded by a constellation of people who are steady and loving, providing emotional support and stability and a constant
presence in their lives to give them the best chance of coming through this OK,” Luft said.
Their lives were “turned upside down,” Luft said.
“Stability has been key for us, making sure they are safe, they have a routine, they are in midst of daily life,” she said.
Their father, Fotis Dulos, has been banned from contacting them since his arrest in June on tampering with evidence and hindering prosecution charges in connection with the disappearance.
The couple was embroiled in a bitter twoyear divorce and custody battle when police believe Fotis Dulos was “lying in wait” for his estranged wife when she returned from dropping off their children at a New Canaan school.
Arrest warrants indicate police found evidence that she was the victim of a “serious physical assault” based on
blood stains and spatter in the garage of her home. Fotis Dulos’ DNA was also found mixed with his estranged wife’s blood on the faucet of her kitchen sink, the state’s attorney said.
Despite an extensive investigation that has spanned two states and several Connecticut counties, Jennifer Dulos has not been found.
A gag order has silenced some of the international media attention the case has attracted, but it hasn’t lessened the pain the family continues to face.
No ‘rational explanation for an irrational act’
Dealing with the death of a parent is difficult for any child, said Renee McIntyre, one of the founders of the Cove Center for Grieving Children. But when the parent has died from violent causes or is missing, the grief process is more complex and trau
matic, McIntyre said.
“When something like a murder or a suicide or a disappearance happens, it’s much more difficult to master understanding,” which is one of the ways to move through grief, McIntyre said.
It’s hard for loved ones to acknowledge or understand a death when the circumstances are vague or violent, she said.
“You’ll never find a rational explanation for an irrational act,” McIntyre said.
The center provides a 20week support group experience for grieving children at seven locations throughout Connecticut. The children meet with a facilitator during the weekly sessions to participate in grief processing activities.
A parent or close relative also meets separately with a clinician who helps provide insight into how to help the child grieve in a positive manner, center Executive Director Allison Gamber said. The center also runs a yearly weekend camp that allows grieving children to participate in activities that help them realize they are not alone.
“For a long time, people would say, ‘well, they’re gone, they’re dead, we have to move on with our lives,’” Gamber said. “We’re not doing our children a service by saying that. They need to know their feelings are legitimate, they are real and they are OK.”
The center offers free programming to 500 to 700 families a year, Gamber said.
Another 460 families throughout Central Connecticut also receive grief counseling and services through the Community Connections for Survivors program offered by Community Mental Health Affiliates with funding through the federal Victims of Crime Act.
The disappearance of a loved one is particularly hard to grieve, said Danielle Bonsignore, a clinician with the program.
“It’s not only the case that remains open, the family’s grief remains open as well,” Bonsignore said. “People don’t know how to mourn them. There is no closure.”
The program provides individual counseling, support groups, help with the legal system and case management to rebuild lives after the loss of a loved one to a crime. Many of their clients are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress stemming from the incident, Bonsignore said.
The goal is to provide the tools so people can learn to focus in the moment while also acknowledging their grief and feelings.
“It’s OK to feel angry, it’s OK to feel frustrated,” Bonsignore said. “Solutions can be difficult” when dealing with an unsolved crime, she said.
“But it’s also important for people to know there is hope,” she added. “Experiencing a crisis and the trauma that comes with it, can be lonely, but there is hope. Our goal is to help people lead normal and happy lives.”
The Cove Center for Grieving Children uses a model that emphasizes four phases. It starts with acknowledgment, then understanding, followed by grief and finally making meaning beyond the event to enrich the lives of participants, McIntyre said.
It’s in the last phase that “miracles happen out of incredible tragedies,” she said.
“You know that, beep, beep, beep sound trucks now make when they are backing up? That’s a result of a mother of a 5yearold who was killed who went on to do something about it.”