Add some zest to impeachment viewing parties
It’s easy to get depressed, watching the impeachment hearings. Cheer up. We’ll come out of this with a whole series of treasures. Here are some of them.
The 365 Sharpie Affirmations Calendar. If I were not very busy, I would take this on. On Wednesday, standing near a helicopter of the White House lawn, President Donald Trump addressed the press, and a camera caught his notes, written in urgent black Sharpie: “I WANT NOTHING. I WANT NOTHING. I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO. TELL ZELLINSKY TO DO THE RIGHT THING. THIS IS THE FINAL WORD FROM THE PRES OF THE U.S.”
Setting aside the fact that, when it comes to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, Trump is hooked on phonics, I embrace the idea of plotting the course of each day with bold affirmations in black Sharpie.
I WANT LATTE. I WANT LATTE. I WANT NO MONKEYS ON MY DESK. I ACKNOWLEDGE TULSI GABBARD AS MY SAVIOR.
As a desk calendar, this would be a winner. Bonus: Buzzfeed had a font designer replicate Trump’s urgent lettering. It’s called Tiny Hand, and you can download it, although I actually don’t know how that works.
ASAP Rocky Tickertape Parade. ASAP Rocky is an American hiphop star who raps a lot about drugs, especially “purple drank,” which is made from prescription grade codeine. If you imbibed some purple drank every time ASAP Rocky was mentioned in the impeachment hearings, I might be visiting you in the hospital.
Anyway, ASAP Rocky was in Swedish custody (which I’m guessing is a lot nicer than those Turkish prisons they put you in when you get caught with hash) after participating in a brawl.
Trump was concerned with the disposition of ASAP Rocky’s case because — I’m not kidding — Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lobbied him about it. So during the famous (see below) VERY LOUD PHONE CALL, Trump and Ambassador Gordon Sondland discussed what to do about ASAP Rocky and Sondland apparently suggested “let him get sentenced, play the racism card, and have ticker tape parade for him when he gets home. “
He also said Trump could “tell the Kardashians you tried,” even though technically he meant the Wests.
Anyway, Rocky is back home, so the parade should be any day now. I’m hoping to be on the Devin Nunes Moo Cow Float.
The What? As Ranking Member of House Intelligence, Nunes has given America an indelible gift over the past two weeks with his rambling opening statements whether he is citing headlines he doesn’t like (despite their accuracy) or talking obsessively about attempts by Democrats to get nude photos of Trump. Nunes can’t stop mentioning this, although I can think of at least one person who probably wishes he would.
Anyway, Nunes has, over the years, wrapped himself in the identity of a California dairy farmer. Last year Esquire magazine reported that the Nunes family quietly moved their dairy farm to Iowa a long time ago. And then, this summer, the Fresno Bee reported Nunes bought himself a small stake in a dairy farm, costing less than $15,000 and generating no income for him.
A bigger problem, apparently, is a satirical Twitter account claiming to be written by Nunes’ cow. Nunes has sued Twitter and the writer of the account, although apparently not on the grounds that it’s false and defamatory because he doesn’t have any cows. Nunes has in the last couple of years filed a blizzard of lawsuits against reporters and media companies, including Hearst, so it is probably time for me to mention my enormous respect for him as a public servant and my hatred for that stupid, fake cow.
The Amigo Moratorium. This would be a great title for the late thriller writer Robert Ludlum but is actually a national crusade led by me. We have to force groups of three men to stop calling themselves the Three Amigos unless one of them is Martin Short. Sondland, Energy Secretary Rick Perry and former special envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker called themselves the Three Amigos despite the incredible risks associated with putting Perry in the position of having to mentally recall three items.
At one time U.S. Sens. John McCain, Lindsay Graham and Joe Lieberman also called themselves the Three Amigos. We need a Three Amigo NonProliferation Agreement.
The Mysterious Bloody Eye. You have to think this is a confusing time for Vice President Mike Pence who does not keep up with pop culture and is probably wondering why everybody keeps talking about watching “Rocky” as soon as possible. To muddle matters more, U.S. Rep. Jim Jordan (RYelling At Witnesses) showed up this week with a Balboaworthy cut over his eye. Jordan insisted he suffered a runin with a door and not, as some had suggested, a fistfight at his most recent Slytherin House reunion.
The Very Loud Phone Call. Sondland described calling Trump from an unsecured mobile phone in a crowded Kyiv restaurant. According to one witness, Trump spoke so loudly that Sondland held the phone away from his ear. The witness said Trump’s comments were quite audible to persons near the call. A number of Republicans, especially Trump, have said this is close to impossible. He tweeted Thursday that people should “try it live.”
There’s a potential fun activity when Thanksgiving conversation runs dry! Have one person go outside, call somebody inside and talk loudly. As an extra challenge, the caller should say a series of words that make no sense. Nunes’ opening statements would be a helpful source of this type of material. Or just make up something like, “Chloe Kardashian punched Jim Jordan in the eye with a fig.” And have all the other people write down what they think they heard.
You see? This isn’t just an impeachment. It’s a funpeachment!