COLIN MCENROE
Spoiler alert: What to expect in the next 6 months of government
The next six months, as I see them.
Jan. 18. Gov. Ned Lamont appears at a news conference with legislative leaders to announce that all toll proposals are dead and that efforts to drum up revenue will be redirected to Electronic Swear Jars. Swear Gantries, with sophisticated lipreading software, will be erected around the state, and persons caught saying bad words will be billed.
Jan 23. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announces she has lost the articles of impeachment. She names Marie Kondo as a oneperson grand jury to locate them and get rid of anything that does not “spark joy” in her, starting with Mitch McConnell.
Feb. 3. The winner of the Iowa caucuses is Josiah Edward “Jed” Bartlet. Iowans report being unfazed by the fact that Bartlet is a fictional character. Exit polling shows a strong trend of voters becoming gradually bored with and disappointed by the existing Democratic candidate field.
Feb. 10. At 5 a.m. Capitol Police find former candidate Bob Stefanowski asleep in Lamont’s office desk chair after a long night of pretending to be governor. The police ask him not to do it again, adding, “We’ve been nice about it the first four times.”
Feb. 11. Bartlet wins the primary in New Hampshire, his fictional home state, with 57 percent of the vote. Andrew Yang is second with 20 percent.
March 2. An unexpected storm dumps 4 feet of snow across the street. A pack of mountain lions descend from the Berkshire foothills and seize the town of Winsted.
March 3. All of the snow melts in the blistering heat of an 85degree day. Amid mass flooding, Branford slides into Long Island Sound.
March 4. Marine biologists at Yale report that, first the first time ever, fish have asthma.
March 5. The General Assembly votes to extend the term of the Connecticut Working Group on Whether to Form a Roundtable to Discuss the Possibility of a Blue Ribbon Commission on Climate Change.
March 14. Pelosi appears on prime time television alongside Nugget, a large dog who, she claims, ate the articles of impeachment.
March 28. Winsted is liberated from its mountain lion overlords by a strike force of genetically engineered laser vision snow monkeys from Jackson Labs.
April 4. President Trump, weary of waiting for his impeachment trial, pardons himself of “everything except being a perfect president.” He simultaneously announces a shakeup in his cabinet, naming Scooter Libby as secretary of state, Joe Arpaio as director of the FBI, and Dinesh D’Souza as national security advisor. Former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher turns down an offer to become chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff because it would require him to give up his job as host of “Who Wants to Be a War Criminal?”
April 11. Lt. Gov. Susan Bysiewicz announces she is endorsing Bartlet.
April 20. Connecticut House Speaker Joe Aresimowicz and Senate President Pro Tem Marty Looney announce that all crucial legislation is stalled by partisanship, infighting and political cowardice. They appropriate $117,000 and send state Rep. Josh Elliott to Northampton to buy as many cannabis products as he can fit into a borrowed Toyota Sequoia
May 12. Actor Martin Sheen appears as Jed Bartlet on all major networks and cable channels. He announces he is dropping out of the race to spend more time trying to get his daughter Zoey out of Scientology.
May 13. Yang, the new frontrunner, gives a major policy speech in which he uses U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal as an example of “A.I. taking over a paying job that formerly went to a human.”
June 1. In a televised address, Lamont announced that the Swear Jar Initiative has already collected $5.1 billion, effectively erasing the state’s debt problem, with enough left over to pay off the student loans of congresspersons Chris Murphy and Jahana Hayes. “I had no idea you were all such a bunch of foultongued, pottymouthed hotheads,” the governor says. “As such, I thank you for contributions to our state.” Lamont makes special mention of Enfield and Ansonia. “Your citizens are unusually angry and profane, spewing invective at other drivers, your own loved ones, me, the Red Sox and God. As such you have performed a great service.”
June 2. In a joint news conference, Looney and Aresimowicz, looking rumpled but happy, blearily announce that every single bill proposed during the session was passed by unanimous consent, including one that replaces state hero Nathan Hale with Jerry Garcia.
June 30. Lamont’s budget director Melissa McCaw reports that the legislature appears to have spent $10.7 million on Ranch Flavored Doritos.