What courage looks like
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and there is an undeniable parallel between the culture of bullying and domination playing out in American politics and the culture of bullying and domination some women experience at home. It’s important to recognize these forces of power and control in all aspects of our lives so we can free ourselves and others. It takes courage to fight for freedom, but fight we must.
Jennifer Dulos was my constituent and like many other women, of every race and from every ZIP Code, her life was destroyed by an abusive husband. All she wanted was freedom. But by daring to leave him, she risked her own life and paid the ultimate price.
If our society evolved, we could prevent such tragedies because abuse is recognizable long before it becomes violent. Much like what we see happening in politics, abusers use fear to control their victim psychologically. For instance, when a man tells his wife she’ll lose custody of her children those words are more powerful than punches. An abuser doesn’t need to hit when he can scare her into submission. That is the impact of coercive control — it’s a weapon that can be used in the personal sphere and the political sphere.
Anyone who believes in human rights and freedom should not tolerate this anywhere. I believe that every person has the right to live freely and safely. That’s why I introduced “Jennifer’s Law” — in honor of Jennifer Dulos and thousands of other victims of domestic violence. My legislation updates the legal definition of domestic violence to include coercive control, which can take the form of threats or intimidation as well as sexual, financial or legal exploitation. It’s any action intended to make a person feel powerless so she backs down and submits. I know because this happened to me. Ten years ago I told my husband I was gay and asked for a divorce. When Glennon Doyle told her husband she was gay, he accepted the news and they moved forward as friends. Mine did not. He said if I divorced him, he’d take full custody of our kids and use my sexuality against me in court. His words paralyzed me, which is exactly the power of coercive control. We do not “choose” to stay. We think we have no choice. I stayed for eight more years.
Experiencing coercive control in my personal life has made me resilient and able to withstand a lot as a public figure. I’ve learned to compartmentalize my emotions so that political attacks don’t hurt even when they are personal. But no one should have to endure this. We need to speak out so these actions don’t become “normal” in any sphere — personal or political.
Since 2016, President Trump has changed our political culture into one of bullying and domination — using lies, fear and intimidation to hold onto his own power at any cost. He is the country’s abuser-in-chief. And his methods are now standard GOP practice. Every day my opponent and his campaign team advertise misogynistic characterizations of me. Their “sources” are right-wing bloggers and accusations trolled from my divorce files. They push out unfounded, defamatory statements in ads approved by Ryan Fazio and paid for by the Republican party. I guess some people will do anything to win.
These actions are right out of the Trump/Domestic Abuser playbook — desperate attempts to retain power at any price. That’s what fear looks like.
Courage looks different. Courage is standing up for what’s right even when you’re attacked for it. Courage is speaking your truth and not staying silent. Courage is defending other people and our shared values. Courage is confronting a bully rather than backing down. Courage is saying “I am not afraid” and making your own life choices.
Our country and our culture are at a crossroads. Voters are choosing between Division and Inclusion, Lies and Truth, Domination and Equality. Social progress fuels economic prosperity. Thousands of people are now moving into Connecticut because we’ve made it one of the safest states during the pandemic but also because of the fiscal stability and modern values we’ve achieved. These conditions did not appear suddenly — it took years to fight for them. And they can be reversed.
State legislatures play a crucial role in defending our safety, our economy and our rights when the federal government fails to do so. The Trump administration has failed us on almost every issue. With nearly 9 million COVID-19 cases and more than 227,000 dead, the United States leads the world in cases and deaths, by a lot. As if that weren’t enough, the Supreme Court with Amy Coney Barrett is now poised to strip away our rights to affordable health care, women’s reproductive choice and marriage equality. Just because those rights are codified in state law does not mean we are safe. Laws can be reversed by legislators. And state laws can be reversed by the Supreme Court. Saying “that will never happen” is a dangerous form of denial. Our state legislature can be the firewall that defends us, but only if we elect people committed to fighting for our rights.
Four years ago, we saw a misogynistic character assassination of Hilary Clinton result in the most qualified person ever to run for president losing to the most unqualified person.
Our country has paid a steep price for placing Donald Trump in charge. Every Republican now on the ballot with Trump supports him. They’ve stayed silent throughout his presidency and their silence speaks volumes. I hope voters reject Trumpism at every level of office because America deserves better from our president, our state legislators and our municipal leaders.
After four long years, this 2020 election is our chance to finally show the world what America values. It’s our chance to fight for Freedom and Democracy. And to stand up for truth and decency. Now is the time for Courage.
State Sen. Alex Kasser is seeking reelection in District 36, which includes Greenwich and parts of Stamford and New Canaan.