Racism has no place at the American table

A decade ago, you couldn’t throw a stick into a room full of child “experts” and not hit someone with a strong opinion about bullying, the latest Worst Thing you could do to a child. Yet while in no way minimizing the very real and scary trauma that comes from being on the receiving end of a bully, many of those experts were furiously lumping every slight, taunt and sideways glance into an ever-expanding, unwieldy box of perceived bullying behaviors.

It was during this period that I was running my sleepaway camp staff orientation, using these increasingly more draconian rules for defining and responding to bullying. The staff was getting frustrated as it was clear that in the name of wanting to offend no one, while protecting everyone, that things were going too far. Previously acceptable behaviors were now deemed completely unacceptable, and the good intentions of good people were canceled by the stigma of being called out for the unpardonable sin of bullying. Clearly, distinctions had to be made between actual bullying, and just being wrong.

This has relevance for today’s topic, systemic racism, something you probably want to read about even less than bullying. But bear with me, as my contention is that while bullying is absolutely a real, dangerous thing, there are varying degrees requiring varying responses ... just like racism. I say this because while racism is real, dangerous and must be addressed, using appropriately measured responses can be more effective tools for educating offenders and getting closer to ultimately ending racism.

Take Thanksgiving and the annual visit from your crazy Uncle Chris. The family tolerates Chris and laughs uncomfortably when he starts pontifidrinking, going on one of his insensitive, casually racist rants. But he’s harmless, right? Until Uncle Chris goes home without ever being told by his loved ones that what he’s saying isn’t just politically incorrect, it’s fundamentally wrong. So Monday he goes back to work, and in his modest position of authority, and with no one calling out his bigotry, maybe he denies a promotion or belittles a coworker because he thinks his racist attitudes are OK. Maybe later his unconscious bias keeps a talented child off the Little League team he coaches.

We know this kind of thing happens. It’s the kind of racism that’s both casual and systemic while having nothing to do with the Confederacy, police brutality, or centuries of oppression. It doesn’t make it any less racist, however. Should Chris be called out as a racist? Absolutely. Should he be banned, banished or canceled? Probably not. What Chris really needs is the support of people he loves, who should be politely yet firmly making it clear that they, and others, don’t approve of his behavior.

One of the goals of the antibullying movement is to get people to stop being “bystanders” and become “upstanders.” Or to put it in a way that resonates in the racism discussion: silence implies consent. Incidents of bullying go down when good people don’t laugh, don’t join in, and stand up to support the victim, while also informing the bully that their behavior is unacceptable. Racism can and should be called out the same way.

But here’s where things get difficult. To eradicate racism, it must be called out. But how? Calling someone a bully, even in a public setting, is typically a mild social rebuke. Publicly calling out a racist however, is fraught with the potential of combustible reactions, and usually carries deeper social consequences for all parties involved. That’s where the measured, calibrated response must come into play.

The last several years have made it clear that while we thought/hoped that the vilest forms of systemic racism in America were receding, they really weren’t. This nation has a racism problem, which cannot be fixed solely with grand gestures such as tearing down statues, fulminating against the police and demanding better textbooks. It has to begin with each of us realizing first that the problem exists, and that we all possess the capacity to inform our friends and family in loving, firm and measured tones, that racism must have no place at the American table. Then, from small things big things one day come.