‘He’ll never be home for good again’
My son is home for a month. It almost seems like he is living here again, though I’m not so crazy about the no bath towels for the shower and the sneakers andthe halfempty water bottles scattered all across the house. Not to mention the tripled food bill.
He’s been away at college for a semester and I’ve slowly been getting to letting it be something that I can endure.
He’s been home a couple of times and while I’m so happy to see him, I also hate it because he has to leave again.
It’s a funny feeling, not wanting him to come home. I thought I would be so ecstatic. And I am, when the ferry pulls in, with all the lights and the thrum of the motor. But almost immediately I start getting that feeling again, because it’s only ever for a couple of days. And he’ll never be home for good again.
The minute he walks through the door, I’m already planning for his leaving.
I try to live in the moment but it’s hard, when your kid’s new home is across Long Island Sound (OK, so it’s not that far).
He’s made lots of new friends and said he stopped feeling homesick after the first couple of days. I was glad to hear it, but sad, too. His new life is calling.
I like that he’s created a new home for himself, and while it may not have a soft bed, or TV (or a roommate who doesn’t like to play his music loud), it’s his.
I’ve gotten used to his being away. It’s the leaving.
A friend tells me it never gets easier. When I see the ferry pulling away, it’s like the first day we left him.
Back then, we knew he was going off to college and it seemed like a bit of a dream. He’s in college, can you believe it? My husband and I talked about it all the way home. Driving back to Stamford in the soft, late summer sunlight, it didn’t seem real. Now it’s November, and it is.
I guess it puts a real stamp on the fact that this new life has begun. I never knew what he was doing in high school but this seems even more unknown.
When is he eating dinner? Midnight. Can he get enough fruit? Yes, the shop across from the cafeteria sells berries. When’s his next test? In high school, I knew. Now I have to figure it out from the weeks I don’t hear from him. (He had a 3.9 cumulative GPA first semester.)
I swore I wouldn’t be the kind of mom who tried to track him, like some parents I know. But it’s starting to look a little more attractive.
Looking over at him as we waited for the ferry as Thanksgiving weekend ended, I saw a man. Maybe that’s the tradeoff.
As my friends know, letting go has been very hard for me. We had Phillip late in life, and as he’s our only child, my grip on him has been irontight. But when your kids go to college, so much of it is out of your hands. You can complain and worry all you want. But there’s not much you can do, except hope for the best, and that you taught them right.