Mom’s mistakes lead to estrangement

Dear Readers: Because of syndication scheduling, I write and submit my columns two weeks in advance of publication. Due to this time lag, the Q&A’s will not reflect the latest information about the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic we are currently facing.

Dear Amy: I wish I could undo some of the terrible mistakes I’ve made.

My daughter hasn’t spoken to me in years.

When she was very young, I divorced her dad and moved hundreds of miles away. I married a man with two sons and a parenting method that I didn’t agree with, but I felt trapped with him — the way I’d felt trapped with her dad. We were together for 10 years.

I waited until after my daughter graduated from high school, and then I separated from her stepfather. It was very difficult to live on my own and we ended up getting back together. It was more out of convenience than anything.

When I told my daughter that I was getting back together with him, she blew up and told me that her stepbrother had drugged and raped her several times. I was in complete shock! She has not spoken to me since then.

I think about her every day. I stalk her on Facebook (with an unrecognizable profile) just so I can see her life. I can’t be a part of her life because she has blocked me. This estrangement breaks my 83-year-old mother’s heart, and I would like to see us all together again.

Regretful

Dear Regretful: If you want your relationships to change, then you need to change. It’s really that simple. Although you admit to having regrets, you don’t seem to have taken responsibility for the role you played in your daughter’s trauma. Your reaction to her disclosure that she was raped while in your household was to express shock, and then sigh — and continue on to reunite with your ex.

Yes, you’ve made mistakes. Admitting this is definitely a step in the right direction, but you don’t get to claim victimhood, here.

Until you take responsibility for your parental neglect, passivity, and terrible judgment, you cannot hope for a reconciliation.

A compassionate and competent counselor could walk you through the events in your life that have culminated in this moment.