Future in-laws give fiancee cold feet

Dear Amy: I am getting married in August to an incredible guy. He’s kind, patient, hardworking, fun-loving, and we have a common picture of our future. The only problem is his family.

His parents frequently lie to each other and then confide in their children about it. They are bigoted toward LGBTQ people, and people of color. They spend money carelessly, are in huge amounts of debt, and then ask us for money. They were horrified when I told them I’d be keeping my own name when we got married.

I am an opinionated woman. I speak my mind openly (and thoughtfully). I am perfectly capable of standing up for myself and for others, and I have done so on many occasions. They don’t value this.

In the past, when I speak my mind (in a manner deemed calm and respectful by my fiance and my therapist), it leads to his mother and sister crying for weeks and then calling my fiance to tell him about it. Whenever his mother calls him, she will end the call quickly if she finds out I am in the room.

My fiance and I are on the same page. We have our own household with its own values. But I worry a lot about having to deal with all of this for the rest of my life.

Are difficult in-laws a good enough reason to not get married or to hold off getting married? Or does everybody go through this? After all, this is not my fiance’s fault, and their behavior is not within his control. Am I just getting cold feet?

Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet: This is a test of your ability to tolerate people you don’t respect, and behavior you don’t like. My suggestion is that you figure out how not to care so much about what they think and how they behave, unless their behavior is directed specifically toward you. Given your own outspoken nature, I wonder if you are capable of detaching to this extent.

It is also vital that you and your fiance be on the same page regarding their debt, money trouble, and requests for bailouts. This will likely get more intense as they age.

This is a topic you and your fiance should discuss at length in your premarital counseling sessions. Of the two of you, he’s the one I truly worry about. If things continue as they are, he is going to feel trapped between two cyclones.