Couple struggle with communication
Dear Abby: I love my wife very much, but we are, unfortunately, having a communication/interpretation issue. She is inquisitive and asks a lot of questions. I become defensive when I’m questioned. Sometimes I feel it shows a lack of confidence or trust in me. My wife says I am being too sensitive.
There are times when I infer a negative tone where there is none, and others when I believe my perception is spot-on. Sometimes, I suspect she’s unwilling to accept any answer that does not match her own thinking.
My wife seems unable to use alternative phrasing that is less likely to trigger a defensive response. When we have conflict over this, it seems I am always the one who has to give ground. When I try to explain my feelings, it only makes things worse. When I choose to be more assertive, it results in more escalation. When should I speak up?
Misunderstood in Texas
Dear Misunderstood: NOW would be a good time to speak up. When you do, tell your wife that you feel second-guessed at every turn, and it’s time to enlist the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist so you two can improve your communication skills.
Dear Abby: My best friend, whom I’ve known most of my life, has a 7-year-old grandson. The boy, “Cody,” is spoiled, rude and makes obnoxious comments to adults. They’ll make plans to visit us on a weekend evening when my wife and I want to chill out. While they are here, Cody gets loaded up on sugar, snoops through rooms and picks up breakable objects while watching us to see our reaction. He also runs around while he’s here. He makes snotty comments to us that my friend encourages. How do I tell my friend that his grandson is no longer welcome?
In A Conundrum
Dear In A Conundrum: Has it occurred to you that Cody may have problems more serious than a sugar buzz? The behavior you describe can be symptoms of ADHD and/or learning disabilities. If Cody hasn’t been evaluated by a medical professional, he should be. If you truly love this friend, suggest it and tell him why. If he ends your relationship because of it, you will no longer be subjected to Cody’s unfortunate behavior. On the other hand, if my concern is on target, you could change that boy’s life for the better.