Wed­ding plans evolved to ex­clude aunt and un­cle

Star-Telegram (Sunday) - - Lifeline - BY JU­DITH MARTIN, NI­CHOLAS IVOR MARTIN AND JA­COBINA MARTIN Send your ques­tions to Miss Man­ners at www.miss­man­, dearmiss­man­[email protected] com, or Miss Man­ners, An­drews McMeel Syn­di­ca­tion, 1130 Wal­nut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

DEAR MISS MAN­NERS: Af­ter send­ing us a “save the date” no­tice for a fall wed­ding, our nephew called to say that he and his in­tended were over­whelmed by wed­ding plans, es­pe­cially the fam­ily pres­sure to in­clude rel­a­tives they scarcely know.

They de­cided in­stead to elope to the South­west. We agreed it was a great plan, and thought no more about it. That is, un­til learn­ing that what had evolved was ac­tu­ally a des­ti­na­tion wed­ding, com­plete with a din­ner and a re­cep­tion, to which “close

friends and rel­a­tives” are in­vited – my hus­band’s sis­ter among them – though we are not!

I am feel­ing miffed! Am I out of line?

GEN­TLE READER: No, just out of fa­vor. While this whole pro­ce­dure was clearly rude, Miss Man­ners rec­om­mends that you con­sider your­self lucky for not hav­ing spent money on a forced va­ca­tion with (ap­par­ently dis­tant) rel­a­tives. As an added bonus, she per­mits you to forgo the present that she feels cer­tain will be so­licited, and sug­gests you re­ward your­self with an ac­tual va­ca­tion. DEAR MISS MAN­NERS: I

usu­ally wear my best clothes to a fu­neral. But at a re­cent fu­neral I went to, wear­ing a posh vel­vet pur­ple blouse, I was ridiculed and told that it was in­ap­pro­pri­ate and I shouldn’t have worn it.

I now feel in­se­cure in

what I want to wear, as well as in­fe­rior that my cloth­ing choice was not taken se­ri­ously. I am a grown woman and this shouldn’t af­fect me, but it does. What should I do, Miss Man­ners? What is suit­able at­tire for a fu­neral? GEN­TLE READER: Black. “Best clothes” does not nec­es­sar­ily mean “posh­est and showiest” when it is for a fu­neral. The point is to look smart, but re­spect­ful – not, Miss Man­ners warns, to up­stage the guest of honor.

An­other point is that crit­i­ciz­ing other peo­ple’s choice of cloth­ing, let alone do­ing so pub­licly, is as­tound­ingly rude. DEAR MISS MAN­NERS:

My sis­ter in­vited my kids and me for din­ner at her house. She baked two types of bread: one with raisins and one plain.

We all sat down at the din­ner ta­ble and she set down both loaves of bread. Her chil­dren started eat­ing from the one with raisins, then my chil­dren started eat­ing from the plain one. When she saw them do­ing that, she im­me­di­ately for­bade it. She told them to eat from the raisin one be­cause it had al­ready been eaten into. They re­sponded that they don’t like raisins. She re­sponded, “Eat around them.”

Could you imag­ine any rea­son that would jus­tify a host for­bid­ding her guests to eat food that she her­self served them? One would think the rea­son she baked two types of bread was so that her guests would have an op­tion. Ap­par­ently they didn’t – or at least my kids didn’t.

GEN­TLE READER: Next time you at­tend din­ner with your rel­a­tives, Miss Man­ners rec­om­mends that you in­struct your chil­dren to take a long, sad Dick­en­sian pause, look up from their plates and say, “Are we al­lowed to eat this?”

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