Conan O’Brien
Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, while writing down an order, “And I’ll be right back with your pancakes.”
A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.
Donald Trump is running for president and he’s wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate.
Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it, but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady.
Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be “the greatest jobs president that God ever created.” Then God said, “Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.”
Hillary Clinton signed a note this week for a nine-year-old boy, explaining to his teacher that he was missing school to meet her. In exchange, the kid wrote Hillary a note saying his dog ate her emails.
Jimmy Kimmel
In England, the world’s oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She’s 91, he’s 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn’t find someone his own age?
Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs.
Trump’s people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don’t blame Trump. It’s embar- rassing. It’s the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party.
The world’s oldest person has died. Again. Third time this year. Someone is killing the world’s oldest people and we do nothing about it.
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.
Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of “Celebrity Apprentice” will not air. But don’t worry. With Trump running for president, you’ll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.
This morning Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who claimed for years that she was black, made an appearance on the “Today” show. I don’t think she’s learned her lesson because for the first hour she pretended to be Al Roker.
Yesterday Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who said she is black, claimed there’s no biological proof that she’s white. However, today that was disproven by scientists who found wine cooler in her bloodstream.
Seth Meyers
Beachgoers in Florida have been warned about deadly flesh-eating bacteria in the water. Of course, if you’re even in Florida, you’ve already ignored a few warnings.
Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he’s also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.
Rachel Dolezal said today that she doesn’t think of herself as a con artist. Of course, she also doesn’t think of herself as a white lady, but she is.
An English couple have become the world’s oldest newlyweds at the ages of 91 and 103. The couple registered at Bed, Bath & the Great Beyond.
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind.
Emerson College officials said that starting in 2016 they will offer students the opportunity to major in comedy. Or, you can just take your tuition money and burn it in front of your parents.