Don’t throw Granny from train just yet

Dear Amy: I am a 36-year-old woman who is lucky enough to have a large and wonderful family — that is with one exception: My 85-year-old grandmother, who ruins nearly every gettogether with disparaging comments, usually aimed at her family. She mouths off about our appearance, intelligence and behavior.

She has also made a lifelong habit of horribly racist and ill-informed insults toward anyone who is not white.

My parents and their siblings and spouses choose to ignore her, saying that she is old and lonely, and it is “not worth it” to confront her.

I would also like to shield my 3-year-old daughter from her influence.

Is there anything I can do, when forced to be in her presence? — Fed-up with Mean Grandma

Dear Fed-Up: It might be worthwhile for you to try to engage with your grandmother in a deeper way before you give up on her and assume your family’s stance of ignoring her. Do not attempt this with your 3-year-old in tow, but if you have a chance, you could say to her, “Grandma — you don’t seem very happy, and you don’t seem happy with the family. I’m very sorry that’s the case, but I can’t figure out why.” And then sit quietly with her and see if she has anything illuminating to say.

Perhaps she suffered from poverty, disappointment, disillusionment. This does not excuse her behavior, but it might explain it.

The point is not for you to necessarily feel better about her, but to reach a point of understanding where you feel for her. Her bitterness is to be pitied, and this is how you should frame things for your young daughter if she witnesses and is affected by an outburst: “Great-grandma isn’t happy and sometimes she says mean things to people. I wish she would be nicer.”