Getting ready for a Sweet (or sour) ’16
We know this about 2016: It’s going to be a long year. Precisely, 366 days long.
The leap year brings another presidential election and another Summer Olympics, though it’ll be winter in Rio de Janeiro when they’re held this August. If that sounds topsy-turvy, get a load of this: As 2016 begins, Donald Trump has a commanding lead among Republican presidential hopefuls and former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush is an also-ran.
Predictions can be tricky business, but here’s my annual, not-so-serious look into the crystal ball for the year ahead:
Jan. 12: Florida legislators start their 60-day regular session earlier than usual because of the presidential primary in March. Besides the usual welcome basket assortment of flowers and fruits, lawmakers are treated to an Opening Day luncheon by the National Rifle Association. Main courses: Grilled black bear and bangbang shrimp. The Legislature quickly passes gun bills allowing open carry and campus carry.
Feb. 7: For the 42nd consecutive year, the Dolphins do not win the Super Bowl. The 50th edition of the Big Game is played in dense fog in Santa Clara, Calif., and nobody can see the Arizona Cardinals score the winning touchdown against the deflated New England Patriots.
Feb. 16: The Florida Supreme Court validates more than 1 million petition signatures and certifies the medical marijuana amendment for the November ballot. But an effort to put a solar-power initiative on the ballot fails because of confusing and competing petition drives. FPL stock soars 10 percent.
Feb. 29: Palm Beach County commissioners sue Trump for noise pollution, saying the presidential candidate has been a nuisance to Palm Beach neighbors with his nonstop campaign bluster. The move comes after Trump refuses to drop his lawsuit against Palm Beach International Airport for having planes fly over his Mar-a-Lago resort. “Trump is causing much more damage with his outrageous rhetoric than any 737,” county attorneys write in their complaint.
March 1: Declaring the War on Poverty a failure, Gov. Rick Scott and legislative leaders declare a War on the Poor in the final weeks of session. Medicaid expansion fails again, and legislators expand the Florida Lottery by allowing scratch-off vending machines in hospitals and health clinics. The lottery’s new motto: “Scratch your way to your next co-pay!”
March 15: Trump and Hillary Clinton coast to easy primary wins in Florida, setting up their showdown in the general election. Trump captures all 99 Republican delegates in Florida’s winner-take-all setup, but he deports 12 when they can’t produce authentic birth certificates.
April 22: The governor celebrates Earth Day by unveiling a major oiland-gas drilling initiative in the Everglades. Scott says he still has doubts about global warming but “Sea-level rise is real, and sucking out all the oil beneath the Everglades might give that water someplace to go. Let’s give it a shot!”
June 1: Scott marks the start of hurricane season by giving away $4 billion in reserves from shrunken state-run Citizens Property Insurance to CEOs of private insurers that have taken over Citizens policies. “It’s only fair that all that money is given to the
people most responsible for 10 straight storm-free years — the free market’s daring and innovative leaders,” Scott says.
Sept. 17: Florida gets hit with its third major hurricane in three weeks, wiping out Citizens and the state-backed Catastrophe Fund, and bankrupting 42 private insurers. The CEOs get to keep the June bonus dough. “Oops, my bad,” says Scott. “Take it out on me at the next election.”
Oct. 25: Florida holds another black bear hunt, but this time hunters get a surprise when armed bears — taking advantage of loosened gun laws — fire back and kill 27 hunters. All the bears use Stand Your Ground defenses and are acquitted.
Nov. 8: Donald Trump becomes the 45th president of the United States after he ekes out victory in Florida when 3,000 late votes are discovered from his Mar-aLago precinct. The president-elect announces he will paint the White House gold and rename it Trump House. Instead of “God bless the United States of America,” he concludes all official speeches by saying, “God help the United States of America.”