Stepfather’s rage warrants caution

Dear Amy: I am a dad with two children, ages 11 and 8. Three months ago, at my mother and stepfather’s house for a family cookout, my 8-year-old son threw “pops” on the ground (those firecracker things that pop on cement). Well, apparently, my stepfather got angry and lunged at my son, picked him up by the throat, screamed in his face and threw him onto the ground.

This happened in the front yard while the other adults were in the backyard. My daughter and my niece came running to the adults, crying, “Grandpa’s choking ‘Nick’!”

The only witnesses were children from 8 to 14, but they all had the same story.

When I ran to the front yard, my stepdad was hovering over my 50-pound son who was on his back in the grass, crying and trembling. (I had witnessed angry outbursts in the past toward the kids over petty things, but I’d always been in the same room to defuse it.)

My stepfather went to jail that night and was released two days later.

We haven’t spoken since. He sent me a card in the mail two months after, with a short apology, but I’m not convinced that he thinks he’s done anything wrong.

My kids don’t want to see him. Nor do my sister and her family, who were also there. I know it’s not fair to my mom, who is stuck in the middle. How does a family move on from this? — Upset

Dear Upset: I agree that the children should not have personal contact with your stepfather, unless another adult is with them. You and your sister could explain to them that you are concerned about his lack of ability to control his temper.

Your mother is not stuck in the middle. She can spend time with you and your children on her own. Her husband is an explosively violent person, and you should try to discern if she is safe. Don’t abandon her.

Insist that your stepfather get professional counseling.

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