Surviving the Parkland shooting — then and now

The day after I left the hospital as one of 17 victims of the worst school shooting in Florida, I recall being in the bathroom of my home, and barely being able to stand up because of the pain from my shrapnelfilled legs. The pain filled my whole body. I purposely averted my eyes from a mirror as I grabbed my cane from the tile floor, and carefully lifted myself and limped my way to the bathroom sink.

As I stared at my aching legs, I was hoping to God that if I just waited long enough that I would suddenly emerge from what had been a horrific dream. It was then I saw my bloodied and bruised face in the mirror, and immediately wished I had not looked at all.

It was in that moment that it all came flooding back. The loud gun pops. The pools of blood. The looks of terror on the faces of so many classmates and teachers.

I then reminded myself: I’m here now. I’m not there. I’m safe now.

But nothing can stop the tears or erase the memory of what happened Feb. 14, 2018. I will live with the tragedy the rest of my life.

It’s been nearly a year since the shooting and I struggle every day to remind myself that I survived and I live in the present moment.

“You are safe, you survived the shooting; everything will be better,” I repeat to myself again and again, over and over. But my head is constantly being bombarded by other dark thoughts. I’m in constant fear it’ll happen to me again. I’m in constant fear that I’ll lose the people close to me.

The reminders of what happened that February day in my senior year of high school are everywhere.

I was reminded of it every single time I saw myself in a mirror. Every time I changed bandages. Every time I visited the doctor. With every painful operation. With every therapy session. With every teary-eyed condolence from friends and strangers. The flashbacks were especially troubling and traumatic.

Today, I still struggle to remind myself that I survived and am living in the present. I owe it not only to myself, but to the 17 angels we lost, to make a difference in a huge way.

Life isn’t worth living if you are living in the past, and I know I’ll never be able to control how people view me. I know I’ll always be just a Parkland shooting victim to many. I know I’ll have more issues with my health in the future because of the injuries I suffered from the multiple shrapnel that hit my face and my legs.

But I am not a victim nor do I see myself as a victim because of what happened to me. I am a real person with goals, dreams, and problems. I just want to end gun violence and make this country feel safe again, regardless of who you are, where you come from, or what religion you practice or gender you identify as — everyone should have the chance to live. I’ll prove that to myself and those 17 angels, and I will make them proud.

Samantha Fuentes is a 2018 graduate of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. She was one of 17 people injured during last year’s mass shooting at the school.