Grieving mother diminishes others

DearAmy: My older sister and her family are survivors of suicide.

My nephew killed himself on his father’s birthday, eight years ago. Thepainand grief have been deep and endless. My sister and I are close. I’ve stood by her side during the darkest of times. After all this time, she puts on a happy face but is prone to flashes of anger.

When I talk with her aboutmy struggles, such as a job loss or difficult relationships, my sister always has to “top” my own struggles by ending with, “Well, at least youdon’thave adeadkid,” or some other similar retort.

I feel I can’t speak to her about any of my smaller problems.

My sister often acts the martyr. At dinner parties that she hosts, she will not ask anyone to help with the food or dishes, but then later (in tears) says, “No one offered to help!”

Amy, I feel like distancing myself from her. She feels like she is the most hurt person in the world. I feel put downand rejected.— CheckMated

Dear Check-Mated: Even though your sister’s flashes of anger serve to push you away, I hope you won’t abandon her. She sounds stuck in a cycle of grief and anger, and this will affect all of her relationships.

It is unkind of her to use her son’s death to diminish your problems, and yet— surely she is speaking her own truth. Grief separates sufferers from theworld. Embracing the quotidian problems of everyday life could actually help your sister to heal. I think you should gently tell her, “My problems might not seem big to you. But they’re real. Your reaction tomemakes me sad.”

Shewould benefit fromconnecting with others who have experienced similar losses, who understand the unique grief accompanying suicide, and can comprehend the enormity of the void in her life.

Readers can send email to askamy@amydickinson.com or letters to “AskAmy” P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY, 13068.