Woman fears running into abuser

Dear Amy: I’m a 60-year-old woman. A few years ago, I moved back to the mid-sized city where I grew up in order to take care of my aging father.

When I was in high school, I got involved with a young man who was controlling and abusive.

The relationship lasted into my early 20s, when I ended it. I moved on, and he moved away after college.

Fast-forward to now, and I have recently learned from an old friend that this person has moved back to our home city.

While our town is quite large, I am worried that I might encounter this person in a store or restaurant. How might I react?

— Afraid of the Past Dear Afraid: I hope you understand that your fear of someone who abused you — even though it was years ago — is reasonable and rational. This sort of fear response likely helped you to leave the relationship in the first place. It is your brain and body’s reaction to a threat.

You should not try to override or ignore this fear, but instead use it to develop reasonable strategies for coping with the possibility of seeing this person.

Some options are: escape, avoidance and confrontation. Running out various scenarios might be helpful, to desensitize you to the possibility of encountering your ex.

My instinct is that if you did run into him — or see him from a distance — the first thing you would notice is how “old” he is. Abusers loom large and powerful in our minds’ eye. An abuser can continue to frighten and intimidate well into their own frailty, and that’s the impact and consequence of earlier trauma.

A therapist would be very helpful here; at your age and stage of life, you are encountering many transitions and challenges. You deserve to reclaim your strength.