Enjoy lunch, but hold private details

Dear Amy: I will be turning 60 this year, and have noticed a sort of trend among many of my friends.

It seems like every time we get together, someone starts to talk about a loved one who is very ill, dying, or has died.

This often sets off a morbid competition of who can come up with the most heartbreaking details.

Obviously, we’re all at an age where we’ve experienced this type of loss.

I’m not an unsympathetic person. But there is a time and place to reveal this sort of personal information.

How would you handle this without coming across as a callous jerk? — Buzzkilled in Boston

Dear Buzz-killed: I don’t know if I would call you a callous jerk. I do believe you sound intolerant.

Perhaps you remember your own life about three decades ago, when your peers were all talking about pregnancy, childbirth, the terrible twos or your terrible bosses.

Yes, back in those days there were probably people who laid on too much graphic detail in recounting their childbirth stories. I’d venture that these might be the same people who offer up too much detail (for you) regarding their lovedones’ illness or death stories.

However, what your cohorts are doing is not mindless, tactless talk. They are narrating their lives. What you describe as a “morbid competition” might otherwise be seen as “relating.”

If someone is engaged in a topic that makes you genuinely uncomfortable, you can gently try to change the subject by saying, “I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I seem to remember that you are planning a long trip this summer. Will you still be able to do that?” Or, you could pull the person off of sharing details by asking questions about the subject’s life, such as where they lived, versus how they are dying.