Advice recap raises more questions

Dear Amy: Last year I sought your advice regarding my wife’s codependent relationship with her daughters. Your counsel to me was to either accept things as they were or leave.

I decided to move on. After a bitter legal conflict, we divorced.

Recently, my ex-wife contacted me. She says she misses our life together. She says she recognizes the error in not prioritizing our marriage, and that she wants to start over. She blames her attorney for the bitterness of our legal conflict.

I love her dearly, and yet I am emotionally wounded. I also worry that past habits will destroy our relationship once again.

My inclination is, work together to put this behind us.

Do you have any thoughts on what our path should be? — Uncertain

Dear Uncertain: To recap your previous situation (if I recall correctly), you entered an entrenched family system with a new wife and her two live-in adult daughters who, by their own admission, froze you out of the family. Your wife waited on them hand and foot and spent the majority of her time with them exclusively.

The justification for my stark advice was that the family members were aware of the dynamic in the household and had declared that they didn’t intend to try to change it. So yes, given that, realistically your choice would be to accept the family dynamic, or leave the marriage.

I certainly hope you aren’t relying solely on my advice to make such huge life choices, but yes, for a second marriage with a blended family to work, both spouses need to be willing to make very big changes over time, and then give the family time to adjust. To have a strong and lasting marriage, a couple must consider the marriage itself to be central.

In terms of reconnecting, please commit to mediation.