Don’t be quick to trust dad just yet

Dear Amy: After 43 years of marriage, my mother discovered my father’s affair. Since then, they have been on a two-year roller-coaster ride of recommitting to their marriage and my father relapsing into the affair every fewmonths.

Several months ago their relationship reached its breaking point and my father seemed to see the light. My parents finally started seeing a therapist and they toldmethat thingswere better than ever.

However, it just came to light thatmy father is still in contact with his girlfriend. My mother won’t leave him, eventhoughhisbehavior has made her a shell of the person she once was and every day is a struggle for her.

My father wants me to forgive him again, but I told him I cannot trust him. I have a family ofmy own and this has brought sadness and anxiety into our home. I’ve realized that Ihavenopower to help them and I want to get off this roller coaster, but I don’t knowhow.

My gut is tellingmeto end communication, but my heart is telling me that it is not the answer. — Motion Sick

Dear Motion Sick:

You have rightly identified your powerlessness over your father’s behavior and your mother’s choice to stay in the marriage. However, I don’t think that ceasing communication is necessary, and it could impact your mother negatively.

You should seek to arrive at that tender spot of equilibrium where you don’t get sucked into their marital drama but provide emotional support and adecent relationship with both of them. You can forgive your father for hisamplefailings as a person and a husband, but you are prudent to withhold your trust until he demonstrates that he isworthy of it.

In addition to marriage counseling, your mother should see a counselor on her own. You should be in her corner no matter what .