Sad husband finds himself in a pattern

Dear Amy: My first marriage ended badly. We simply grew apart and infidelity entered the picture (on her part, not mine). The good things I got out of that marriage are two great daughters.

Fast-forward to the present. I have been married to a like-minded woman for more than seven years now. She is beautiful, smart, strong, independent and very sexy.

We have a wonderful 4-year-old child. Unfortunately my wife has informed me that although she considers me a great father, a great husband and her best friend, she has lost her “spark” for me.

She has admitted to a brief affair last year. She has also told me that she feels something is missing from our marriage, but cannot define what it is.

I am heartbroken, but I still love her with all of my heart and want to make things right with her again. She has agreed to start couples counseling with me. We have already been to one session. I thought that she may be depressed, but my wife outright denies that she is.

My question is, do you think I have any hope that my wife will love me again the way I love her? — Heartbroken Up North Dear Heartbroken:

Your wife might not ever love you the way that you love her, and that is because two people rarely love in the same way at the same time and with equal intensity. Long relationships wax and wane, with one partner initiating the dance some times, and the other partner initiating at other times.

In addition to couples counseling, I hope each of you see a counselor separately. You are not responsible for your wife’s choices, but insight about your own life and behavior can lead to change, which can positively affect you — and also your marriage.